A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?
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me: technically, they’re magma lamps until you crack them open and pour the lamp sauce out, then it becomes lava
doctor: no I meant thoughts about your treatment plan
Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.
Her: Sorry I’m late to work. I was talking to my husband and he wouldn’t stop listening.
MAN!! My boss is always all “Blah blah blah!”, “You’re late!”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
Love is courageous, but so is arm wrestling a bear and you don’t see anyone suggesting that.
At this point I’m waiting for my student loans to ask me if I want to add 10%, 15% or 20% gratuity to my bill.
Well of course the supermassive black hole that will eventually annihilate our galaxy is a Sagittarius.
[mall]
Me: That guy looks SO familiar!
Wife: …
M: Maybe an actor? Musician?
W: …
M: I’ll get an autograph!
W: He’s our mailman, moron.
The big book of baby names but for safe words
“Dad, what do you hate most about being divorced and living alone?”
“It takes 1 month for me to fill up the goddamn dishwasher.”
just woke up from a terrible nightmare. was dreaming about a country called “britain” where people eat beans for breakfast and say stuff like “crumpet” and speak a barely intelligible version of english. thank god that’s not real
cashier: how’d you like to pay for this
me: not at all
My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!
Terribly Tuesday.
Me: I don’t like scones.
British Friend: Ah mate you just haven’t had them the proper way.
Me: What do you mean?
British Friend: You need some good jam, a scoop of clotted cream, have some tea and take sips in between bit-
Me: I dont think you like scones either.
[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
BARTENDER: Can I see some i.d.?
ME: *slowly lifts shirt to reveal ThermaCare lower back heat wrap*
BARTENDER: Got it, thanks.
Zoom meetings have reminded me that I’m generally not muted when you should be.
You don’t wash your hands. Technically they wash themselves.
Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I’m paralyzed
What a rip off.
There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.
When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.
Her: No filter!
Me: Add one tho
My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.
That
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds.
Them: Ok, What about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: *narrows eyes and looks intently over the trees* Yes, they’re all birds.
Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.
[couples therapy]
Mrs: he’s too handsy, always touching me all over…
Mr: [who is an octopus] I CANT HELP IT LINDA IM LIKE 90% HANDS…
current fitness level: can you spot me while I pick up this blanket?
I could never be an Olympic sprinter because I couldn’t go 10 seconds without checking my phone.