“If anyone knows a reason why these two should not marry, speak n-”
SHE ONCE COMMENTED ‘FIRST’ ON A YOUTUBE VIDEO
*ring bearer vomits*
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Me: Time for bed
7: But can we watch Back to the Future?
Me: No
7: Empire Strikes Back?
Me: No
7: Karate Kid?
Me: I see what you’re doing and I respect it but the answer’s still no
Him: I’m drowning in bills
Me: You should sign up for paperless
“I’m tired.”
– Beat Cop
What you say: Don’t make a mess in the bathroom.
What the child hears: There are six bottle of nail polish in the vanity drawer.
I was actually unaware there is a global crisis occurring, I’ve been in quarantine the last two weeks because of an unfortunate haircut
People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.
As there aren’t any female leprechauns, where do leprechauns come from
~ something to ponder every St Patrick’s Day
When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.
Am I afraid of the dark? No. Will I exit a basement after turning off the lights at normal speed? There is no amount of money in the world.
alien: [emerges from wrecked ufo] i need help
me: we got our own problems
If he has cleaning supplies but has a dirty house, he’s a murderer.
Panda express…🐶🐾🐼💨😅
[writing Jurassic Park 2]
Writer 1: alright first things first, palaeontologists OUT
Writer 2: but it’s a dinosaur movie-
Writer 1: -bUt iTs A dInOsAuR mOviE STFU. Hairy chest mathematician IN
My neighbor cut their tree down and now my house looks bald.
Sat through a horrible job interview for an hour then the guy was like “btw, this only pays 30k so if you’re looking for a job that pays better, look elsewhere” so I said “ok I will” then he was like “?? wait no” lmao this was hours ago and I still feel incredible
How to tell if your wife is mad at you
1. She is
Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.
Where does the Easter Bunny lay his eggs?!
In the grass..
So WHAT DO WE SMOKE TO CELEBRATE?!
[all the children]
Grass??
Yessssss.
Girls hate it when you give them Christmas presents with an implied expectation, like an iron, a food processor, or knee pads.
Told my kids to get rid of toys they don’t play with, so if you hear a commotion it’s just them desperately playing with every toy they own.
Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.
me: god grant me the serenity
god: no ❤️
“So your new carol is just eight verses of you demanding figgy pudding with increasing hostility.”
“That’s right.”
“And it’s called We Wish You A Merry Christmas?”
“Yes”
“Buts it not really about Christmas is it? It’s mostly about figgy—“
“—figgy pudding yeah.”
I hope I never meet a genie offering one wish as picking between unlimited doughnuts or going to Sesame Street is gonna be impossible
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.
I must’ve been sleep wokking again.
My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy
[loud fighting downstairs]
Me: What’s this about?
10-year-old: Nothing.
Me: You have to be fighting over something.
10: We really don’t.
Me: I haven’t tweeted in days.
Wife: Oh no! Hold on…*opens laptop
*typesWife: Phew!
Me: What?
Wife: Looks like the Internet survived.
If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.