The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.
You Might Also Like
All underwear is edible if you aren’t a coward
Columbus: SO THIS IS INDIA
Natives: actually it’s no-
C: HI INDIANS
N: no see, we are nowhere near-
C: INDIA IS FUN LETS EAT YOUR FOOD
What is the German word for being sad that you finished all the food
[1st day seal clubbing]
Me: OMG this is awful
Guy: [choking back tears] I know right?
Me: [feeding MDMA to a seal pup] There isn’t even a DJ
My neighbors started Christmas decorating right after they ran out of Halloween candy so I called the police.
Instead of writing ‘many thanks’ at the end of an email, specify the number of thanks, eg “18 thanks”. The personal touch will be appreciated
Last time I was at the zoo, I got tazed for telling some kids that mountain gorillas were called gorhillas.
Good times.
Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”
We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids
I guess I’m getting old. Now when I hear “Pour Some Sugar On Me” I think of 2 things. Who’s cleaning it up and I hope we don’t get ants.
[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]
Bedtime.
If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.
Me: I’m going to bed after this episode.
Netflix: Hahahahahaha! Sure. Ok.
Plot Twist: Your taxes cheated on you.
Me: I’m tired
My brain: turn on the tv
Me: but I need sleep
My brain: go pay some bills
Me: I’m so exhausted
My brain: oRgAnIzE yOuR sPiCes
“Ah, Mr Bond, I-”
*closes laptop lid and pulls up trousers*
“-wasn’t expecting you.”
Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.
This is the one
me, every single month: why do i feel like shit. why am i so bloated. why am i so upset. i have never felt like this before in my life
I got the scar above my lip from *my time in prison.
*When my coffee mug launched itself out of my cupboard before work.
lying here thinking of the time i was about to compliment a lady at the gas pumps on her shiny black scarf and then i realized she worked there and just had new trash bags hanging around her neck as she took out the full ones
Just because I reported several women to HR for not washing their hands after using the rest room doesn’t mean the camera they found is mine
I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid
Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.
Toddlers are like if your dog could talk. And use markers.
*Knocks on Misery’s door*
Me: Hey! I heard you love company.
Misery *through mail slot*: not you
My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.
I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.