What psycho decided it was a good idea for kids to hunt for chocolate easter eggs right when the spring thaw reveals all the dog poop?
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Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.
(using my powers as an empath) this dungeon… it has bad vibes
*accidentally summons malevolent demon at a séance*
I WILL HAUNT YOUR HOME FOREVER!
[4 days later]
YOU KNOW, YOU COULD CLEAN UP OCCASIONALLY
good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.
I hate being woken up so if you find me sleeping, let me rest. If you can’t follow that simple rule, next time just hire another pilot.
I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.
But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.
Finally passed GO. That’s the last time I eat a Monopoly board.
me: ..but is it peri-NE-um or per-IN-eum?
priest: for the third time, confession does not need to be this specific
I just saw a guy with leather pants get out of an IROC-Z. I wanted to say “Welcome to the future, traveler. You’re going to love it here!”
[At my funeral]
Polite people: Well, he’s in heaven now.
Twitter followers: Let’s not make any assumptions.
and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was younger I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the tv channel.
The movie “Failure To Launch” but it’s a North Korean documentary
I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…
Dr: You need to stop touching your face
Me: But it feels really nice, try it
Dr: *strokes my cheek* OMG, nurse come check this out
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.
heck is a place for people who don’t believe in gosh. danged for eternity.
This painting is titled “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?”
Looking at pictures of myself as a kid taken just after my mother cut my bangs makes me wonder what she used to mix in her Tang.
you should be allowed to list your landlord as a dependant
*hands a turd to the teacher
Teacher: What’s this?!
Me: My dog ate my homework.
My neighbor’s car alarm has apparently never heard the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.
john wicks are toilet candles
grampa: no controversial topics this Christmas—
me: it’s not controversial
grampa: don’t start
me: Santa is more powerful than the X-Men
grampa: Phoenix would DESTROY San—
me: SPEED, OMNISCIENCE, FLIGHT—
grampa: HE CAN’T FLY IF SHE WIPES REINDEER FROM EXISTENCE!
Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.
When you’ve simply given up.
What even happened today?
this idiot cop is still behind me w/ his siren on, I keep moving out of the way & waving & yelling “GO AROUND,” man is he stupid