An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.
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Bringing in an edit button would deny us glorious tweets like these
This hand cream is expired, but it tastes completely fine.
I don’t have an Alexa so I have to say things like “Matt, play music” or “Matt, turn the lights off” and then I have to do those tasks myself and it’s super embarrassing.
Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.
[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been
Me: Don’t do anything special for my birthday.
*People do special things for my birthday*
Me: Oh thank God.
Comments other people make during a movie are annoying.
Comments I make during a movie enhance the experience.
Me: I made GORP for our hike
Her: peanut m&ms and miniature marshmallows
Me: yeah, in handy single servings
Her: they’re gallon ziplock bags
[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.
What if this “alert” was just Americans being called in from recess?
Enough of your nonsense, nap time.
A local supermarket.
A customer asks “Do you have unsalted nuts?”
The new checkout boy freezes. He needs this job. But he may never get this chance again.
WebMD: you have all the diseases
Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them
The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people
“Don’t take this the wrong way”
Translation: Prepare for insult.
If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.
I hate self-promotional people. They’re so into themselves they probably don’t even realize I have a new album available on iTunes now
That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.
“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”Commas can make a world of difference…
I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*
The fall of Netflix
there are 2 types of people:
– those who love deviled eggs
– those who just cringed when they read “deviled eggs”
Today is the three year anniversary of the time I dropped a hot dog and it got stepped on before I could retrieve it. Don’t talk to me about your suffering
Costco is the only place that you can walk out with a Kayak, twenty pounds of meat, jeans, ten bottles of sun lotion and not look ridiculous
Twitter: “New audio and video calling is here!”
Me: “No, it’s f*cking NOT.” *Disables feature.*
Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.
scrooge: who are you
ghost: i’m the ghost of christmas present
scrooge: so santa claus
ghost: NOT THAT KIND OF PRESENT
[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp
holiday horror movie idea: you have 10 days to complete a completely reasonable task that takes 20 minutes to do
My husband accidentally woke me at 5am while getting ready for his morning run. Exercise doesn’t just hurt you, it hurts the ones closest to you.
Ever pick a booger so big that you get it out and suddenly it’s like you’re on top of a mountain, inhaling the world’s largest and most refreshing breath of air that ever was breathed?