[knocks on widow’s door]
Me: my condolences. Your husband was a good man with a wonderful set of golf clubs that he won’t be needing anymore
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[Waking up]
Me to me: I see my assassin failed.
me: so what do you do?
date: I work with animals
me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* your job sounds fun
i’m so vulnerable to nostalgia. the sun will go down and i’ll be like “wow…..remember when the sun was up……..i miss who i was then”
9 called to ask how much bleach it takes to get purple ink out of carpet and because she’s so cute and at her dad’s I went with all of it!
I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late
My gym shut down but a pizza place opened in its spot so my visits have remained pretty consistent
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
choose your fighter
Probably the worst part about being a penguin is after you’re in an argument, you’ll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute
me: I just want 2 minutes of privacy in the bathroom
my kid: best I can do is a paleontology lecture
My girlfriend said we should each pick a “hall pass”, just in case we ever met that person. I chose Kate Upton and she chose her roommate Connor
me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered
everyone on this work call:
My husband has blocked the sink!!!!
.
I knew I should have buried him in the garden!
what does awkward people do, when they run out of bad jokes? get som new ones
I hate when I’m trying to be handsome & a more handsome man stands next to me & handsomes much harder than I can.
schrödinger: your results came back, there’s good and bad news
patient: what do they say?
schrödinger: [opening them] you have 2 weeks to live
patient: what’s the good news?
schrödinger: there isn’t any now
We are all made of stardust, and stardust maybe should have had a little less to drink last night.
Men are almost twice as likely to tell pollsters that they have a plan for the zombie apocalypse than women. Often before the pollsters even ask.
It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.
I’m not saying I killed it on the stock market today, but there’s a good chance I’m cutting up a hot dog into my Kraft Dinner tonight.
[bear approaches]
friend: make yourself look big!
me: YOURSELF
If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…
Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend
[watching Friends]
NIECE: I love this show
ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be
i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.
Us: Hey. Can you show us tweets from people we follow
Twitter: Best I can do is unblock your mortal enemy
BOSS: it says here that you’re too sexy for your shirt. Is that a typo?
ME: *doing my little turn on the catwalk* I’m also good with Excel
I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
Establish dominance at a restaurant by bringing your own menu.
100% of people in this world have texted “I just saw your text” at some point which is proof that there are no honest people in this world
I’d like to speak to America’s manager.