Hey, sexy. Wanna merge our DNA and make mini versions of ourselves who will never give us a moment’s peace and destroy all our stuff?
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Stop with the DiCaprio jokes. They’re getting old.
*crashes your wedding
Why aren’t you answering my DM?!
If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.
I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head
I hate when I go to unbutton my pants because they’re too tight and they’re already unbuttoned.
A journey of a thousand miles
begins with-running back in the house for
something you forgot.
To think, just 30 years ago, I would have to yank the phone off the wall, and bring it to the bathroom to drop it in the toilet.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Can I box any of this food for you?”
Me: “You can uppercut this piece of chicken.”
I’m sorry you’re breaking up [static sound] I’m about to go through a tunnel.
Dad, we’re right in front of you
Uh….. go ask your mom.
My husband bought harmonicas for our kids and now I need to find a new family
You better check your child’s halloween candy bc I’m giving out polyhedral dice this year, and if you thought drugs were bad just wait until you see how addicting D&D is.
[November 2030]
*at the ocean*
“don’t forget your oil block, 800 spf sunblock and your radiation suits”
Kids: This fish has three heads
Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….
Got it?
Then there’s dating me.
It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft
can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.
Death sent a message asking us to just cool it for a bit
*watches Beauty and the Beast*
*looks at dirty dishes in sink*
WASH YOURSELVES AND SING TO ME!
Kim Kardashian’s birthday is today AND she got engaged to Kanye West! It’s almost like it was made for TV! Wait….
If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.
(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide
6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?
Me: Uh
6: Nevermind, Siri…
My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.
Finally found the perfect background for my zoom meetings
“I like green peppers, but they don’t like me anymore haha.”
They never liked you. They don’t have feelings because they’re food, Barbara.
Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.
By the logic that declares Die Hard a holiday film, I think we should classify Titanic as a Hallmark Christmas movie.
-female lead ditches rich jerky fiancé for humble poor boy
-lots of lights
-iconic pop culture theme music
-lots of ice
-female lead’s hair is very improbable
“Hello from the outsiiiiide. I must have called a thousand tiiiiimes”
– me, drunk, leaving my wife another voicemail because I’m locked out
“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks