My husband says I’m selfish, so yesterday when it snowed I let him have the shovel all to himself
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How the hell is Arby’s still in business? In nearly 37 years I’ve never heard, “Let’s go to Arby’s.”
Me: Now that I’m an adult, I can eat whatever I want.
Metabolism:
“Welcome to the library, can I help you”
“Yeah I need you to make copies and and find the forms I need from this website and print them and also could I get a pen and an envelope”
“Shall I pick up your dry cleaning too?”
“Oh my gosh do you guys do that, that would be amazing”
Bugs Bunny turns 75 today. Now when he says “What’s up, Doc?” he’s legitimately concerned.
1 year ago today, the world ended. RIP everyone.
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*– parallel parking a time machine
I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.
Me, homeschooling:
If a train leaves the west coast at 7:00am traveling 60 mph and one leaves the east coast at 9:00am traveling 45 mph then what time will I get drunk and drop kick my neighbors garden gnome?
*wakes at 3am*
*sits in dark*
*jingles chains & scratches walls*
*waits for everyone to be so creeped out they can’t sleep & we open gifts*
Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.
[first day as a bank manager]
Customer: I’d like a car loan
Me: I’m not lending you my car
My kids said I don’t scare them so I just threatened to replace their phones with a set of encyclopedias and now everyone is crying.
I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face
(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions
I understand why this patron is so upset. His plan — to come to the library on the last day of tax season and expect to find someone there who would promptly file his taxes for him — seemed, admittedly, foolproof.
HER: I was mauled by a bear mountain biking
ME: *long drag on cigarette* what kinda bike was it riding, Carol
Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
Today as a Random Act of Kindness, I wore a really tight sweater to work.
If you find a perfectly usable item discarded outside someone’s house, it’s best to assume it is haunted and leave it well alone:
– a nice chair? No, an evil chair
– a child’s bike? No, a possessed child’s bike
– a half-eaten burrito? Eat the burrito
Dating is just not ghosting someone after sex over and over til you’re suddenly married.
Awwwww shit.
*skydiving*
Jumper: Where’s your parachute?
Married Guy: Don’t need one
J: There’s no chance of survival
MG: Not trying to beat the odds
Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.
me: how do i use this inhaler?
doctor: you suck.
me: i’m trying sorry
i don’t give a shit what you losers think i’m clapping when the plane lands
[first date]
Him: I want to marry someone who knows what commitment is.
Me: (trying to impress) I haven’t put my phone down in 5 years.
ME: Who do you want to be at my Frozen-themed party?
FRIEND: Let me be Olaf or Elsa
ME: Ok but never threaten me in an Italian accent again
Friend: “Did you bring condoms?”
Me: “No need. If I’m drunk enough to talk to a girl, I’m way too drunk to get it up.”
how much my patient talks about their healthy choices
▶ 🔘──────── 00:05how much my patient talks about their single daughter
▶ 🔘──────── 74:36:15
In my late forties, I now find myself with gray hair, a delightful assortment of aches and pains, and surprisingly strong opinions on decorative throw pillows.