I think my husband is beginning to suspect
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every time i look the ‘u’ in matthew mcconaughey is in a different place
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons
God [creating centipedes]: *falls asleep with elbow on the legs button*
Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.
[God creating vultures]
How about a goth flamingo?
well maybe the Bible is misspelled and my angle tattoo is fine.
Fun fact: if you play Hotel California backwards, and slowed down 30bpm, there’s a fantastic hidden quiche recipe
“Dayyuuuum Giiiiirrrl… Did you fall from Heaven?”
*pokes body with stick*
What idiot called them atheists instead of non-parishables?
I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing
I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
I asked my kid to sweep the floor and she said “Okay, but only if I can mop too”, so now I need to figure out whose baby I accidentally took home from the hospital
Glad I spent all this money on Bath & Body Works body wash just to make my wash cloths smell nice
cyclists
date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker
me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish
Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves
A Person Who Cares has informed me there’s a helium shortage, which I knew.
She said “it’s not just for balloons,” which I also knew.
She asked me if could even name three other uses for helium, which I did.
It was a tough day for A Person Who Cares.
North West: Daddy what were you famous for?
Kanye: Rapping, Son. North West: mommy what
were you famous for? ((awkward silence))
Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…
I keep banana skins within reach at work because you never know when you’re going to need to make a murder look like an accident.
I’m at the dentist. They put a bib on me and left.
Are they preparing lobster? I hope they are preparing lobster.
kid: I feel funny, mom
mom: that’s why we’re sending you to clown school
6yo: what do old people eat?
me: when I’m old I’m going to eat children.
6yo: you’re joking, mom. you’re already old.
People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.
I agree noisy knees. I SHOULD stay on the couch
A candy wrapper fell out of my pocket and my kid picked it up and waving it around like a trophy, began an interrogation about where it was from, when I had eaten it, and what it was doing in my pocket. Isn’t it obvious that I stuffed it in there to avoid exactly this situation?!
I’ve just got a job making plastic Draculas.
There are only 2 of us on the production line, so I have to make every second Count.
They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.
Poor guy.