[Christmas morning]
Snake: Thank you for the present!
Snake 2: You’re welcome
[5 minutes later]
Snake: Yeah, I got no idea how to open it
Snake 2: Not sure how I even wrapped it
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Stopped in a country store yesterday and they were not selling any countries. 0 out of 10. Would not recommend.
The worst is that a 27 y/o who wanted to marry Charles Manson & charge ppl to see his corpse had more of a future financial plan than we do.
*bites off stem and rolls apple into hospital lobby
[firing squad]
Any last requests?“Here’s my mixtape, if u like it, will u let me live?”
Yes. *listens* Oh man that’s FIRE
*gunshots*
Dear people filming disasters : You need to zoom out before running for your lives.
Nobody likes blurry footage, you selfish animals.
What if animals “were” injured in the making of a film. Do they list that in the credits? Tim hurt one monkey. He is very sorry.
Anyone: You go girl!
Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*
If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…
Except I don’t do housework.
A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth
I just saw a reel where a momfluencer claims that if you just play with your toddler for 15 minutes a day, they won’t have tantrums, and I’m pretty sure this woman has never met a toddler in her life
*at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: One of you is eating poison green bean casserole.Everyone: *gasp*
Me: Just kidding you all are.
To avoid small talk with neighbors I’ve taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.
Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.
I hate when I go to review a podcast and someone before me said “wow, this pod makes my daily 6 mile run fly by!” and I’m like cool it also makes eating this giant bag of cheese balls fly by.
AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.
We need to bring back house parties in a big way. There is something so special about talking to a guy on a couch
The pig jumped into bed with my 6-year-old all by herself.
It was super cute.
Then the pig threw up all over her.
Considerably less cute.
🤣🤣
Customer: do you sell {item}?
Coworker: oh, yeah but I’m just having a hard time getting it in
Me: *resisting the urge to go nudge, nudge, wink, wink, eh?, phrasing boom, that’s what she said*
welcome to my podcast What Are Birds Thinking About where we speculate wildly about what birds might be thinking about today’s guest is once again not a bird
99 out of 100 Planet F1tness employees don’t give a fuck. You could smoke a brisket in the locker room, they’re just gonna ride out their shift. That one percent tho…
If a cop pulls you over & asks if you know why. Answer “are you giving me a ticket or a quiz” for a free ride in their car.
You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away
Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist
Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that
my only real opinion on adam levine is that if he inhaled helium his voice would get deeper
At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, “Make it 52”
What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?
I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.
The horror. The apostrophe’s.