I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.
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Me: Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your McOrder?
McDonalds Boss: Again *rubs temples* you don’t need to put Mc in front of words
Me: Oh ok *turns back to customer* welcome to Donalds
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
Woman in grocery line: oh are you buying rice and beans for Coronavirus?
Me: No, I’m buying rice and beans because I’m Mexican.
The ouija board message was “if you’re reading this, I’m already dead”.
me: excuse me, my chicken is cold
waiter: I’m terribly sorry sir, but pets aren’t allowed in here
Came home and my cat was on the porch cuddling with a baby skunk. When the skunk saw me he took off like I had caught him in bed with my girlfriend.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
I’m at the age I need all the beauty sleep I can get. So naturally I’m not able to sleep.
I’m confused about plants
I bought all this healthy food at the grocery store today and now I’m trying to decide if I want Chinese food or pizza delivered for dinner tonight.
My superpower is finding the humor in nearly every situation. Uncle Bob’s superpower was flying. Landing… not so much. Lol
Priest: That’s your eulogy?
Son #1: Who’s your favorite kid?
Me: It doesn’t matter.
Son #2: Yeah, but who’s your favorite?
Me: Your Mom is my favorite, and I’d bury you both alive on her say-so. Remember that.
I like to creep around my home and act like a goblin
Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking
using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me
Went to a parade.
For an hour, bored people on floats waved.
For an hour, My 2-year-old waved back.
It was the greatest day of her life.
“hey, aren’t you the guy from high school who would disagree with everything?”
no
*goes back to group of friends*
was it him?
“I don’t know”
my only request if I ever get murdered is that you don’t let it be solved on a podcast
[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens
FRIEND: Thanks for letting me stay here while I’m in town
ME: No problem
FRIEND: Do u have a Waffle House nearby?
ME: No they’re all wood
I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born
astronaut: houston we have a problem
houston: what is it?
astronaut: my wife left me
houston: we only deal with space problems
astronaut:
houston:
astronaut: my wife left me while I was in space
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Cuz u JUST CAN’T FIGHT THIS FEELING ANYMORE?
Cop: I’VE FORGOTTEN WHAT WE STARTED FIGHTIN FOOOR
For speeding.
Maybe Tailgate wants to be banged. Did you ask? You don’t know.
Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.
Why don’t you make like a tree and grow big and strong bro
So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
Hey big accounts –
What’s it like to tweet “My cat sneezed”
and get 500 RT in the first minute ?My cat would be dead before I got 50
She said she wanted the D so I showed her our son’s report card.