Literally all I do as a librarian:
It’s asking for your password.
No, your password.
Not your library card.
Just type your password.
Not in the browser address bar.
Your password.
Your password.
No, I don’t know your password.
You’re right it’s probably our computer’s fault.
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Never underestimate mothers. They can turn “mayhem” into “ma’am” with one narrowed glance.
Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”
next level snooze
You’re old you’re excited to learn how to play Mahjong
LADY AT COSTUME PARTY: ooh, I love Garfield!
ME (in a lovingly hand-tailored Hobbes costume): *starts weeping* haha yeah i hate mondays
They were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.
“What should we call this thing in the ocean that is land?”
How about island?
“Seems too obvious”
What if we pronounced it weird
“Perfect”
I’m not saying it’s hard for me to lose weight, I’m just saying if you interrupt me when I’m eating I’m starting over.
Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined
I see stand-up comedy as a stepping stone to television. A few more paid gigs and I’ll be able to afford a television.
Baby, turn it up so I can hear the captions better
I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.
Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.
I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.
I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?
Updating my dating profile….
My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh
Cutting Crew: I just died in your arms tonight. Must’ve been something you said…
Me: *closing book of spells* Oh shit! Oh shit! Oh shit!
stop abbreviating phrases where every word has one syllable (OMG, ILY). start abbreviating long sentences. that’s how u save time. ILYFYB (i’m leaving you for your brother) or SWAYTAIUMELFY (stacy what are you talking about i uprooted my entire life for you). much easier
Salesman: This model corners really well
Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*
Ad exec 1: Ok, we’ve really got to corner the market on condoms. First we name the company Trojan, you know like the Trojan horse, and then we-
Ad exec 2: Wait, wait, wait, wasn’t the whole point of the Trojan Horse to SNEAK THEM IN?
Ad exec 1: Shut up, it’s reverse psychology.
Me: hold on are you—
roommate who just painted a Bansky on our kitchen wall:
Me:—Bob Ross?
just found myself walking around inspecting things in my front yard with my hands clasped gently behind my back, so my transition into my grandfather is nearly complete
Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434
Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0
born to say “are you f*****g stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
My child is sniffing a bruise on his arm to figure out how badly it hurts.
I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…
My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.
Mother of God, the man solved unsolvable crimes for eight straight seasons. When he says he has a hunch, believe him the first time.