All of these stories about missing campers.
Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.
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Makes 3 gallons of cranberry sauce so my family can eat 2 teaspoons each.
[diner]
ME: I’ll have the eggs, please
WAITER: how would you like those?
ME: painted and hidden for me to find, thank you.
just discovered the true meaning of family and it turns out to be noun, a group of people related to each other by blood or marriage 😭😭
How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.
BOSS: I’m sorry mike, but you’ve been downsized
ME: (75% of my original size, in a voice 125% higher pitched) ahh maaan
[first person to have a houseplant]
i’d like to kill something very slowly in the privacy of my own home
I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..
Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times
When people ask me about my hobbies, I tell them I’m into birdwatching, photography and meeting new people.
It sounds better than stalking.
Cop pulled me over and said ” Papers?”
I said ” scissors” and drove off
History may repeat itself but a toddler does it better.
I was feeling very depressed the other week. I went to my psychiatrist and told him I was suicidal.
He asked me to pay in advance.
[getting caught by a traffic cam] ok now let’s do a silly one
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
The woman next to me smells SO good, is it weird if I’m like “What perfume is that, I will literally stop robbing this bank if you tell me”?
I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks
If we hadn’t made them extinct, instead of kung fu panda we could have had tae kwon dodo.
My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.
That toddler on a leash at the mall might be an unstoppable killing machine. You really don’t know.
whoever designed giraffes was extremely high
Just think, in 10 years you’re going to wish you look as good as you do right now. Assuming you’re still alive.
~inspirational
*wife spends all morning convincing son not to be afraid of the dentist*
“Dad are you coming too?”
Hell no dentists scare the shit out of me
If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.
No matter how much you drink Michael Bay is still somewhere directing a “Transformers” movie.
Every time I cook risotto I feel like Gordon Ramsey is going to walk in and scream at me.
“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.
ok ladies and gentlemen of the jury, before i get any farther along in my testimony, i would like for you to take a moment to recognize the “jurors are beautiful” shirt i am wearing
The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a scam.
[hitchhiking]
Driver: I hope you’re not a serial killer, haha
Me *getting in*: well, I wouldn’t say ’serial‘
[seeing a picture of myself]
Revolting. Burn it
[hearing a recording of my voice]
Awful. Grating
[seeing my tweets]
Genius. A blessing to this world
What did one toilet say to the other?
You look flushed.
#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes