(saying something slightly ambiguous on the internet) ah i could’ve phrased that better but i’ll probably get the benefit of the doubt from thousands of strangers who only come here to get pissed off
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Shout out to the young woman in Tesco who, when asked for ID, yelled “oh my god, do I really look that young?!” and then it turned out she was 17.
Moan louder every time the cashier scans one of your items.
Pro tip:
Don’t ever ask rhetorically; “what is wrong with me?” in front of your wife. I did this two days ago.
She’s still telling me.
If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works
I’d never survive in Canada, it’s so cold so cold I’d ask random strangers to set me on fire
Life goals:
Age 6: Be a pirate
10: Kiss more girls
16: Be 18
21: Be rich by 30
22 – 32: *File corrupted*
33: Improve on napping
[first day as a crime scene photographer]
me: pretty weak lighting in here
*drags the corpse outside*
#TwitterWouldBeBetterWithout my mother-in-law..here’s actual footage of me finding out she’s found my account..
*helps wife get toddler in his high chair*
wife: That’s a new shirt, let’s put a bib on you
me [wearing a bib] This is ridiculous
[attending a lecture on kleptomania]
Me: *taking notes*
Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes
If someone gives you sad eyes, give them sadder eyes. You must win this.
Me: I will do anything to not gain weight this holiday season.
Friend: limit your food intake, don’t drink alcohol, and exercise.
Me: No, not like that.
When people write, “your dumb,” maybe it’s not a typo–they just mean stupidity belongs to you. “Here’s your dumb now leave.”
Fox Mulder, age 6: *looks under pillow* MOM! IT DISAPPEARED!
Mom: the Tooth Fairy took it, dear
Fox: you mean… the tooth is out there?
Told my dealer I wanted a shitload of Coke but autocorrect changed it to shipload now I owe a Columbian cartel 18 million dollars
My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.
Whenever I’m in a waiting room full of miserable looking people, I really regret not bringing my ukulele.
[Cretaceous Period]
T-REX: *eating pterodactyl, sad* I just wish it were meatier…
DRUNK GUARDIAN ANGEL: A meteor? Tha’s weird but ok 1 sec
I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again
*cocks shotgun*
Goodnight Moon
The best way to prevent COVID is the consumption of durian fruit. It doesn’t kill the virus but it is excellent for social distancing
Always a housemaid, never a house.
Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”
i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs
Interview:
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
*I look at my watch then lean in*
How much time do you have?
8 just said we should get her mom “something to do with napping” for christmas “because she likes napping” and I’m not sure I’ll be able to protect her through this
The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.
still one of the greatest philosophical minds of our time
Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.
History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.