If your opponent cracks his knuckles before a fight, have comfort knowing that osteoarthritis will, in due time, avenge your savage beating.
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Every morning I announce that Im going for a jog, but then I don’t go…
it’s a running joke…
He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi
My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.
Ugh I can’t stand him. I’m not gonna go into it but let me just say this…
[40 min later]
…and you should see the way he ties his shoes, I hope he dies
Did Roberto Martinez just moonwalk out of the job
“Describe your last relationship.”
Tired: like two ships passing in the night.
Wired: like a container ship stuck in the Suez Canal that won’t move ahead but also won’t let anyone else by.
Yet the one time I did, I got banned
“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.
#WhenCopyEditorsWorkDrunk …
Parent’s curfew with each child:
1st child: “be home by 10!”
2nd child: “alright you can stay out until midnight”
3rd child: “as long as I see you within 3-5 business days I honestly don’t care what time you’re home”I’m not mad ur mad
The easiest way to woo a girl is show up to her door with a loaf of garlic bread
Doctor: does mental illness run in your family?
Me: I do have an aunt that’s a morning person.
I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.
It’s only a restroom if you fall asleep in the stall.
synchronized noseblowing
I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.
[at funeral]
“my phone is vibrating”
want me to create a distraction so you can answer it?
“no, are you craz-
*points at casket* HE BLINKED
been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.
Moana is my favourite movie about The Rock continually trying to drown a little girl.
Lmao my first taste of adulthood was learning you had to actually pay for Microsoft office. I had be using it for free my whole life as a student. It didn’t even occur to me it cost money to have it at home
Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.Now go to bed,you’re drunk.
My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget
My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes
I told my 4yo daughter to believe in herself because she can be anything she wants to be so now she’s busy preparing for her future life as a dinosaur
Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China
*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the other losers who missed a 15 million square mile target.
Sometimes at the beach it’s like “gross, is that a condom?” Yes. And it’s staying on. Not looking to raise any shark children.
The speed to which a toddler yells “no” in response to the question “are you ready for bed” is directly proportional to how tired they actually are.
“Smells fresh. Like a tropical island.”
“Ok. Now take off the blindfold! Your family’s been dead in this car for a week! We Febrezed it!”