An easy way to tell people you don’t like them is to send them a Christmas card with glitter on it.
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Him: Productive conference call?
Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.
The police want me to wear a wire; albeit a thick handcuff-shaped wire.
Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully
Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”
Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”
You’re doing a great job looking at your phone
Sure, it starts off with orcas destroying boats, Next thing you know, they’re chasing my Chevy Spark down I-44.
I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.
*in a job interview*
No no it’s not a teardrop tattoo it’s supposed to be sweat. It shows I’m a hard worker
I used to work with a guy who was unemployed.
When you didn’t plan your story very well.
I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV
sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news
“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.
ME: (doing stand up)
GUY IN CROWD: BOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 2: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 3: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 4: what the-
GUY 5: he’s just eating those like Pac-Man
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have antybodies
What kind of bait does a librarian use when he goes fishing?
A bookworm!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayThoughts #ThursdayVibes
Me: Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
[Takes a nap]
[Watches 11 videos of UFO sightings on YouTube] l
[Stares at a tree]
Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
everyone: “you changed”
the climate: i know 😞
Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.
God: have u gathered 2 of every animal?
Noah: yes
God: including the dinosaurs?
CUT TO: NOAH RUNNING FOR HIS LIFE AFTER TRYING TO CATCH A DINOSAUR
Noah: ….ya
“Um, Jim…”
“What?”
“That’s not a log.”
Just what the hell are you juicing with this?🧐🤣
I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do
I am fluent in three languages…english, sarcasm, and profanity
What Harry Potter house am I in?! I am a SERIOUS and MATURE adult.
So Ravenclaw.
Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.
Age 8: “Being a werewolf would be fun!”
Age 18: “Being a werewolf would solve all my problems.”
Age 28: “Being a werewolf is an escapist power fantasy for emotionally stunted children.”
Age 38: “Being a werewolf would be fun AND it would solve all my problems!”
Expect the unexporcupine.
ALEX TREBEK: in einstein’s famous equation, this is equal to mc²
DOG:
CAT:
DOLPHIN: *furiously clicking buzzer*
[telling a scary story to a group of moths] and when she opened the door..[holds flashlight to face] she- AH GET OFF OF ME YOU GUYS
me: I want a tattoo
tattoo artist: where?
me: how about over there on that chair
tattoo artist: no, where on your body?
me: on my skin, dude
tattoo artist: this is not funny