Silence is golden
But duct tape is silver.
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Me: If I eat another bite, I’ll explode
Mom: More pie?
Me:
Mom:
Me:
Mom:
Me: Yes, obviously
It’ll have to be a closed-casket funeral.
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
Me: preferably over some type of heat source
Shaved my legs today
RIP drain
feeling some mixed emotions while eating dried apricots because it’s like i’m eating human ears but they’re tasty
I’m just a girl…standing in front of a boy…asking him to love her.
Haha, just kidding. I’m just a girl…sitting in my car…talking to a boy through a speaker…trying to order a Shamrock Shake.
But a little drama never hurts.
saw a guy at the airport taking a parrot in a cage on board and it’s like bro, why you spending extra money, it can meet you there
my wife and I watching Popeye together but she covers my eyes during the scary bits (when he goes all bulgy and gets belligerent)
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
My five year plan is a meteorite
“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.
just tried to put my phone in my pocket when i was wearing a towel so things are going great
My 89 y/o grandmother, who is isolated at home in CT, just told me she reads the replies to my tweets and then investigates the profiles of people who leave rude replies. So don’t be mean to me or my grandma will judge you.
him, texting from the party: where did you go???
me, already home in bed: bathroom brb
Can’t talk, competitively eating
*sharing nachos with my 17yo son
My husband says I have no idea how to use a comforter which is funny because when I wake up in the middle of the night I’m the only one using it.
There’s an old man sittin’ next to me
Makin’ love to his napkin and knife
And he’s talkin’ with Davy who’s covered in gravy
And probably will be for lifeSo anyway that’s why you failed your health inspection. You can read the rest in the report.
5…! 4…! 3…! 2…! 1…! RENT IS DUE!!! 🎉🥳🎉
Have kids, they said
I will judge you by how much dust is on your ceiling fan
“What the hell happened to you?”
I got tarred by an angry mob.
“What about the feathers?”
I hugged some ducks to feel better after.
‘Leave no stone unturned’ is good advice if you’re looking for something that crawls out from under rocks.
i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience
My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back
It has come to my attention that I may be the only person in the world that keeps gloves in my glove box.
Nursery owner helping me load plants, “Your car looks just like mine.”
“You have a Crosstrek too” I ask.
“No, lots of wine bags.”
you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.
Them: I saw someone who looks just like you!
Someone:
I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.
(Date)
“What’s wrong?”
Oh nothing I’m just a nervous hummer
“Aw how cute!!”
*perfectly hums the entire Jurassic Park theme at full volume*