We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.
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Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.
You reach a certain age and you don’t look pensive anymore, you look like you need an ambulance
mom: you’re grounded for today
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[10 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
My “Game of Thrones” is just me running around the mall looking for a clean toilet.
If the Amish don’t use curse words, how does Amish Tourette’s sound?
“Beards!”
“Churning Butter!”
“Bonnets!”
Animal poetry
Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?
Me: *holding milkshakes* what
Parenthood is so weird. I don’t know why I say thank you to my 3yo every time she gives me her booger.
him: i like athletic girls
me [dips oreo in milk]: check out this sweet dunk
him: not like that
Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.
ME (pulling wishbone): I won
WIFE: what’d u wish for?
M: uh world peace
W: Nice
*human-sized bacon strip walks into kitchen* Hey, what’s up?
You (irrational, cowardly): Don’t panic, but there’s a small fire in the building
Me (stoic, level-headed, brave even): *picks you up and uses you as a battering ram for my hurried escape*
Start a lawnmower upside down and you have a personal helicopter
I lose bobby pins in my hair. Please don’t ask me to babysit your kids.
my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you
It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.
Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?
Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.
Ok whatever idiot taught my kids that they’re beautiful just the way they are, can you tell them they still need to bathe.
Where can I buy a purebred chupacabra on short notice?
ME: I can’t find my glasses
SON: They’re on your head
ME: [beer spilling down my face] lmao not again
Who died and made you king? Oh the king before you died. Well that makes sen- Oh he was your father. Well then I’m very sorry for your loss.
Officer, why do you say “full body cavity search” like it’s a bad thing?
Labreador
ME: I think I have coronavirus, every morning I wake up aching and sick. It usually goes away by the afternoon, but the next day same thing.
FRIEND: It’s a hangover. You’re drinking 2 bottles of wine a night in quarantine.
ME: My God… wine causes the coronavirus!
The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.
I hate it when I gain 10 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not even an actor.
“sir we don’t hire people to be mannequins”
Me:*strikes mannequin pose*
“No, sir we don-”
M:*new pose*
[under breath] “damn this guys good”
legolas: you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
[everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
me: you may have a SMALL bite
If I could time travel, I’d grab English major me in college & say, “Look, books will nourish your soul but take an appliance repair class.”