[Eating canned soup]
OMG I love sodium.
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*finishes a project in 20 minutes that was supposed to take 40 minutes*
*celebrates by screwing around online for 4 hours*
The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.
I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.
You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.
of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare
Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things
I don’t think fish should be allowed to eat other fish. idk. just seems weird. that’s like your coworker dude
A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.
Mary Poppins: 🎶A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down🎶
Death Row inmate: how did you get in here
Allowing your kids to cuss offers a great balance between
1. making profanity less cool for them
2. pissing your mother-in-law off
The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!
wife: you’re drunk
me: I’m not the one who’s all blurry Carol
*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*
shrek the third may have not been as great as the other movies but this transition still gets me
[USPS]
M: *hands change of address form*
C: Ma’am, this just says “bathtub.”
M: I live there now.
C: We can’t send mail to a bathtub.
M: Yay
Every time I go to Baskin-Robbins their hamburger machine is broken.
Close the door.
You’re letting the wifi out.
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.
Don’t measure your worth by how much money you have. There are other ways to evaluate wealth: How much salami is in your home right now? Do you have both a bicycle air pump AND that weird little pin that always goes missing? How quickly could you get your hands on a large goose?
Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.
Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.
The stickier the better.
-Rice, obviously
I like to think I’m in charge but then one sad look from my child finds me gently disposing of a dead yard mouse in a nice bag on a carefully arranged bed of leaves
God: We’ll call it a “dolphin”.
Angel: And it’s like a friendlier shark?
God: Turn its frown upside down.
Angel: That’s not much of a diff-
God: Give it a sideways tail.
Angel: O…kay…
God: Punch a hole in its noggin.
me:[drinking from a human skull]
him: is that full of blood?
me: don’t be gross [forgetting if his name is Robert or Roger] Robgert.
11: dad do you know what 3+3+3+3 is?
Me: 12
11:
Me:
11: ok I was just making sure that you’re not –
Me: choose your next words wisely.
Remember you could bludgeon your enemy King with a wheel of cheese and eat the evidence.
I want to be the woman in the neighborhood rumored to be a witch that eats children.
Yesterday I watched Rogue One, featuring a cameo from Carrie Fisher.
One hour later she was dead.
So today I’ll be watching Home Alone 2.
Before you cut the sleeves off your acid wash denim jacket, read the warning label about the associated risks of dying from too much sex.