my immune system told me it’s a lover not a fighter
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just make the entire table out of coaster
A neighbor asked my 5 yo if we had fun plans this weekend and he responded “we will probably go on a walk after dinner.”
Buckle up folks, things are about to get crazy.
Wrong hole! It’s too tight!
-me putting on my watch, you pervs
Sorry I’m late, I was chasing a pasta noodle around the sink w/ the faucet sprayer and lost track of two hours.
Bought $200 sunglasses.
Lost them in 15 minutes.Bought Walmart sunglasses.
Had them for 238 years.
i will be the first to admit when something is my fault, it really undercuts the other people blaming me for things
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]
[taking out my Diva Cup]
Dracula: you gonna drink that?
Mowed the lawn yesterday with my shirt off and this morning there were 50 shirts left on my porch with a sign that said, “Please wear.”
My family’s dull. All through his teens my brother had his head buried in a book before dad exhumed it & reattached to the rest of his body.
told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately
Me: WHY AREN’T YOU CLEANING YOUR ROOM LIKE I ASKED?
My 6year old: You only asked once
They built different out in Florida man. Hitting a Gator with a cast iron skillet is nuts 🤣
Adults: Why are you teenagers so depressed and angry?
Teenagers: Well you see, you’re leaving us with a completely unlivable planet, the Amazon and the whole world is on fire, the climate crisis looms over our lives, we’re overworked and–
Adults: ITS THE PHONES
Them: hey wanna go to the movies later?
Me: sure what time?
Them: 8:30
Me: *laughs in over 40*
Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.
[at a restaurant]
me: do you have a box I can put this in
waiter: the… the child?
That scene where Scar kills Mufasa only it’s me to the crumbs on my shirt
Doctor: This makes no sense. The ultrasound isn’t finding your baby
Wife: Haha, well I guess we know who he takes after
Waldo: *from behind a curtain* That’s my boy
Just called the bank for my account info and a voice whispered ‘If you break the pack in half, Ramen noodles can last you two days.’
Peanuts are legumes
Cocoa is a fruit
Sugar is a beetConclusion: Snickers is a salad
Yesterday there was a sign in our building lobby saying that a possum was living in our trash cans. This morning the sign was gone.
Best case scenario: The possum relocated overnight.
Worst case scenario: The possum took down the sign itself
11yo: why are you doing dishes with your jeans undone?
me: no sweetie. It’s; YAY MOMMY! YOU GOT THOSE JEANS ON!
Walmart stopped selling hoverboards due to safety concerns. In case you were curious about those empty shelves between the guns and the ammo
The opening notes of “Yeah” by Usher sound like a straw going in and out of a McDonald’s soft drink cup
If you’re serious about your mental health, find a very pale doctor in an unreasonably dark office at an understaffed isolated 200 year old sanitarium that appears abandoned then go ahead and check in until you’re cured/murdered.
People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.
[boss’s office]
I’m tired of staff that think they know everything! Do you know what I mean, Murray?
“No, sir”
I like your style, Murray.
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti