New machine at the gym is weird. I cant figure out the sets but for a dollar it gives me a Snickers when I hit E4.
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Religion has been soaked in blood like the Parle-G biscuit that breaks off and settles at the bottom of your cup.
My gang hand signals look a lot like the finger in the hole motion, followed by the call me gesture.
[At a One Direction concert]
No, I’m not a…I SAID NO I’M NOT A BIG ONE DIRECTION FAN I JUST HATE MYSELF AND FEEL THE NEED TO SELF PUNISH
*looking at a stalactite*
ME: Man, look at that stalagmite!
GUIDE: —tite
ME: Right? Dope as hell.
Being a toddler must be wild. Imagine thinking your own mother is trying to poison you when they give you a homemade vegetable quesadilla then going and eating the dirt out of a potted plant instead.
#ChangeAConsonantSpoilAMovie
Snapes On A Plane
(Teen Jesus Season Finale)
*TJ gracefully ascends into clouds*
*everyone is in tears*
*Mary M gets a txt*
TJ (txt): high af rn
That tweet was so bad I felt sorry for the alphabet.
Don’t take your kids to Disneyland when they’re under 4 years old cause they’ll never remember it. Wait till they’re a little older and then lie to them about how you took them.
Dr: it looks like you’ve contracted sumatta
Me: what is that?
Dr: what is what?
Me: sumatta
Dr [grits teeth]: say it together
The year is 2200. All fossil fuels are depleted. Our only source for coal is Santa Claus. Everyone must be naughty for the sake of mankind.
Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.
I can’t believe this dog and a whole family just died because of a forgotten comma
God spoketh unto Noah and The Lord sayeth “build an ark.” God spoketh once more and The Lord sayeth “Simon says build an ark” and it was so.
ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.
I’ve already accomplished* so much today
*been afraid of a goose
if you are a fly, please ignore this tweet
Me: I love this weather! I just want to open all the doors and windows and let the crisp morning air flow.
Her: I agree but can we land first?
Interviewer: I don’t think you’re a good fit for the job.
Me: [glances up from Game Boy] What makes you say that?
Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.
hoping jesus comes back soon, preferably on a monday, so we can get another holiday
When someone tells me they’re a doctor or an engineer all I can think is: “wow your parents must’ve yelled at you to do your homework a lot”
People that lick their forefinger after EACH PAGE OF A BOOK, who hurt you?
35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.
Mosquitoes be like “I know a spot” and then bite me in on that one part of my back I can’t reach
What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?
Oh sheet.
I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.
She is not “fun to be around”.
[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again
[Calls an ex]
Ex: Hello
Me: Remember how you lied about everything
Ex: Why are you doing this
Me: It’s Throwback Thursday
Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.