If Christian Bale has never cancelled a date and said “sorry to Bale on you” then I don’t think he is living life to the fullest.
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“Who am I?” she beckoned the stars.
Stars: We’ve gone over this a million times. You are a geisha caveman.
How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?
A British person will be slightly insulted by someone, not say anything, nurture a lingering resentment, patiently bide their time, and eventually, in an unrelated conversation with the person years later, will remark, “that’s typical of you.” Usually across a dining table.
Alexa give me one million dollars I know you have it
Dog Morpheus: Ok, Dog Neo. You take the grey pill, you wake up in your kennel. But if you take the GREY pill – I will show you the Matrix.
Jeff Bezos this morning:
“Alexa, end my marriage”
Assistant: Uh sir? Your personalized jean jacket is very cool but it looks like the store screwed up. It says STAN on the back.
Satan: WHAT
I’m going to need to see a warrant before you look through any pictures on my phone besides the one I show you.
WIFE: would you take a bullet for me?
ME: baby I’d take a bullet for anyone
Meow?
My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.
“And this is Flegh, Fnnnr, Grmm, Jsssh and Jhee-Jo.” (What My Brain Hears When Introduced to a Group of People)
[doctor’s office]
Nurse: Can you step on the scale?
Me: Of course.
Nurse: (waiting)
Me: You mean now? Oh hell no!
Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.
When it comes to gifts, I’m easy to buy for. I want what every woman wants: a domesticated raccoon that is willing to assist me with petty crimes.
doctor: your heart rate is a little high, have you exercised today?
me: does sex count?
doctor: yes
me: then no
I have a pun about carpentry.
but Im not sure if it woodwork…
#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬
Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.
ME: sorry, I’m just in a really dark place right now
COAL MINER: who the hell are you
“knock knock”
whos there
“orange”
orange who
“orange u glad im not a banana?”
…. MARTHA THERES A RACIST ORAMGE AT THE DOOR DO I LET HIM IN
showing a photo of a healthy guy to my doctor like i’d show the barber a picture of a haircut
Remember, you can always call your senator and leave a bloodcurdling scream.
Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…
Aw beans
If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.
therapist: if you don’t choose yourself, someone else will
me: agreed. i’ve decided to be a pterodactyl
therapist; that’s progress
me: haven’t tried flying yet
therapist: please don’t
me: you sound just like her
Generation gap…
Whoever is stealing my socks – at least take both of them
gonna wash my car with my girlfriends pomeranian to spice things up