Forget hobbies and and interests, dating apps should require people to share their Amazon order histories.
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[divorce court]
ME: …and that’s why I am seeking full custody
JUDGE: Again, this court does not decide custody of the “Netflix password”
Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available
Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time
[courtroom]
me: good morning, Judge McDonald
Judge: you will address the court properly
Me:
Judge: or be found in contempt
Me: Good morning, Your Ronald
Getting ghosted would be awesome if it meant that your Tinder date was simply replaced by an actual ghost and instead of awkwardly sipping a coffee, you had to work with the ghost to solve a series of riddles to figure out how they died.
I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.
I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice.
Beetlejuice: Hey!
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice…
Another Beetlejuice: Hey! oh.
me: Beetlejuice…
Beetlejuices: please stop.
Me: Finally! A fridge with an automatic ice dispenser! This truly is the good life!
Also me: *reaches in to grab cubes with my hand EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.*
biggest issues with Australia?
✅ no late afternoon coffee
✅ footwear
✅ lack of nukes
Damn boy! What’s your zodiac sign? Bc I think we should make that Sagittariuu into SagittariUS
Oh you’re a Leo? Le OH ..where are you going?
A boy asks his mom, “Why am I black and you’re white?” She says, “Don’t even go there. The way that party went, you’re lucky you don’t bark”
[phone rings]
ME: Hello?
MOM: Are you watching the news?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Channel 2?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Bring a jacket anyway.
pronouncing “vegan” like “began.”
I wrote a book called “The Sun Also Rises” until I found out that Hemingway wrote a novel with the exact same title. So I changed mine to “The Sun Also Rises Too As Well”
*peeing*
I should get outta bed now, I guess.
9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi
How cool would it be if dogs could drive, get a job, pay the mortgage, grocery shop, & all you had to do was get excited when they got home?
Remembering that time in grad school when my advisor, a great ornithologist, got a random call:
drunk guy, bar noises in background: IS THIS THE BIRD PROFESSOR?
my advisor: um..yes?
drunk guy: DO HUMMINGBIRDS HAVE FEET?
my advisor: …yes
*wild cheering over phone from bar*
I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.
i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)
Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.
Applebee’s boss: You’re fired!
Me: Wha? Why? Is it because I fixed the soup of the day?
AB: No, it’s because you keep saying “Eatin’ good in the neighborhood… if you know what I mean”
M: 😏
AB: Wait, what did you do to the soup?
I’m from a family of polite kleptomaniacs.
I take after my dad.
A quick visual guide to footballing pain.
My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.
[job interview]
-Describe yourself to me in one word.
-poor
“I’m in international waters, your damn laws can’t touch me” I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.
Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you
13yo: Unless you really want some hand!
Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to “steal” as many as she wants.
Son: am I adopted?
Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.