i hate “oomf” because i do not read it as “one of my followers” i read it as mario taking damage in mario 64
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Nature’s first bud, spring is in bloom
First rule of Crocs club is no women allowed.
Women: You didn’t need that rule.
Army boss: ENEMIES INCOMING AT 12 O’CLOCK
Me: stop shouting, that’s over an hour from now
*cop sees chalk outline on family’s driveway* “Damn, a cute bunny was murdered”
“No, the kids who live here drew that, the body’s over here”
Full confession: I’ve begun taking an hour a week to destress by soaking in tub with bath salts while listening to classical music.
And it would work if that little voice in my head wouldn’t say each time, “This is the exact setup in a movie where someone is violently murdered.”
What question should you NEVER ask a Geologist?
Are these Tectonic Plates dish washer safe?
HIM: whatcha thinkin’ about?
ME: *thinking about how polar ice caps are melting yet Santa still gives naughty children coal instead of a clean, renewable resource alternative* …oh, nuthin’
Guy Who Invented Figurative Speech: I’ve got something that’ll blow your minds.
Townspeople: *fleeing in abject terror*
Today, I shall mostly be singing “Baby Shark” on loop to the wife to see how long it takes for her to stab me*.
*It’s 17 seconds
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
The best things about being a liar are my insane body, perfect skin and being a billionaire
[son on his wedding day] dad what’s the best part of marriage?
[thinking about how there’s always bananas in the house] her smile
The rain was bonkers in Brooklyn today. When I got to the MTA station, all the trains had stopped running! But on the bright side I stayed and got scuba certified.
If I were Noah, I’d bring 3 of every animal just to create some drama.
If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?
Amazon problems:
1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size
the Monday after daylight savings
Nice echo chamber you got there. Be a shame if someone were to….DISAGREE WITH YOU.
british waiter: what topping would ye fancy on yer pizza?
british guy: tea
british waiter: jolly good choice
[both laugh britishingly]
when food packaging says “store in a cool, dry place” like ah i guess the mossy cave is out then
Me: So, what was the issue?
Plumber: You had hundreds of Q-tips clogging your toilet.
Me:
Plumber:
Me: *sheepishly* I ran out of toilet paper.
me: [throws bouquet]
florist: are you gonna buy something
My Grandma’s church was odd
in that they worshipped paintings.Very weird.
Every week they would stand up
and sing “How Great Thou Art”
Welcome to Super Villain University. Please refer to the enclosed packet for a sample course offering:
Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.
ceimr
thats “crime” but in alphabetical order
organized crime
My husband fills the Halloween candy bowl early, expecting I’ll have no willpower and eat it all within 4 days, but joke’s on him this year: I haven’t touched it, I keep 2 bags of candy in my night stand.
Kelly Ayotte says “Donald Trump is absolutely a role model for kids.” She’s right, kids don’t pay taxes either.
My grandma got this digital frame that all the family can remotely upload pics. I’m thinking of flooding it with John Wick pictures.
astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely