What happens when the in-flight movie stars Adam Sandler.
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Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.
Me: Touché.
since i quit vaping and drastically cut down alcohol consumption, my sweet tooth is out of control. i almost never ate dessert before and now im like ah yes the traditional 9am seven layer cake.
Oops, I ate my feelings again.
~ a memoir
which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills
Girls are suckers for a sad story so I always told them about my dad leaving us on my 8th birthday. I leave out the part where he returned with my cake.
It wasn’t chocolate so…still sad.
don’t give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit
My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.
Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex
I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children
Any time a child tries to guess my age.
my thigh gap is just a painted tunnel by Wile E. Coyote
Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse
Note from 5yo:
“I need help with my meth.”
I think she means math. Either way, asking for help is the first step, so good for her.
I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.
My daughter quickly pulled my glasses off and threw them on the floor, and out of habit, I gave her my lunch money and stuffed myself in a locker.
son: daddy, do you believe in the Boogie Man?
me: I used to, but not anymore
[from under the bed]: I forgot to pick you up from the airport ONE TIME!
Mom: I heard Facebook is now called Metal.
Me: It’s Meta but, no, they-
Mom: My phone app still says Facebook.
Me: They didn’t-
Mom: Do I need a Metalbook app now.
Me: No, it’s META and you don-
Mom: I can’t find Metalbook on the app store.
Me [shaking fist at sky]: ZUCKERBERGGGG
Me: That is a dank whale
Date: That’s a killer whale
Me: lmao no one says killer anymore, say sick or fierce
yea yea make ur OJ jokes but remember…ur friends who committed double homicide and were acquitted due to flawed prosecution and the backdrop of mounting racial tensions can also see the jokes 🙁
My garden has produced some sick beets, some smashing pumpkins and some red hot chili peppers.
We go on tour in the fall.
I’m convinced that anytime an employee at a shoe store goes into the back room looking for your size they enter Narnia, romp around for a few hours forgetting about work, and then come back and just tell you no they don’t have your size.
Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.
When I’m president, we are going to have WAY more velociraptors.
When I say “seriously!” with either of the eyebrows raised, it could be a thinly disguised euphemism for wtf!!!
[first day as an undercover cop]
mobster: are you wearing a wire
guy in my earpiece: say no
me: they said to tell you no
Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.
Just because you can yin a yang or quid a pro quo, that doesn’t mean you can zag a zig or tit a tat.
I’m looking at old yearbooks and for the first time I’m questioning whether my classmates really meant “You’re crazy” as a compliment.
‘I just liked camping alone, you know?’
~Jason Voorhees, in therapy
I went into a Starbucks with an HP laptop instead of a MacBook and they took behind the store and shot me in the leg.