I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.
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“Apparently she had slaved over her homemade stuffing. At some point during the meal, her brother-in-law announced, ‘I prefer Stove Top,’ and it was then, from what we understand, that the woman snapped.”
-11pm news, tomorrow night
Can’t afford a deep tissue massage? Try sleeping with a toddler
Laundry is racist!!
Must separate the whites from the colors!!
No delicates allowed?
Oh, whites get HOT water, everyone else gets cold!
Me: [struggling with 4 kids at grocery store]
Lady: you have your hands full
Me: the little one is great with cats
Lady: what?
Me: you can take one
Lady: *nervous laugh*
Me: they love old people
Lady: *walking away*
Me: take one, please!
Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”
You cause one minor incident at a museum and everyone is “Irreplaceable Egyptian mummy” this and “Could have used regular toilet paper” that
My Coworker Bryce lost his license and now has to ride his bike into work and he didn’t even laugh when I called him Brycycle
ATTENTION:
Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. It’s the BEST Christmas movie.
Case closed.
A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream
The one time I typed “the” correctly autocorrect changed it to tge
[at work]
Carl, did you get naked when you used the bathroom?
*standing there with his shirt & pants on backwards*
“No…why do you ask?”
“If you love the bed so much why don’t you marry it?”
*imagines beautiful ceremony on the beach, me & Beddy.
No one can stop our love now.
If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?
I could never be in the mob.
The only gun I like is a glue gun. Is there a crafting mafia?
Maybe I’ll start one.
*blows glitter in your eye*
Never go against the family.
*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*
how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy
ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons
At my age, you can spell Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen without googling it.
people say Einstein dropped out of school and still was a genius but he didn’t drop out to drink fireball and start a band this is important
Me: I just feel really sad and helpless. It’s like nothing I do can make things better.
Brain: Have you tried eating an entire sheet of brownies about it?
Me: What?
Brain: Eat brownies about it.
Me: [Pre-heating the oven] makes sense.
cigarettes make you look cool but they take years off your life. two good reasons to smoke
We have a lot of famous Chrises;
Hemsworth, Evans, Pratt, Pine, and the infamous -tal Meth
My boss says I’m not allowed to begin work emails saying “listen, you stupid f****rs” anymore
Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice
True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.
I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.
*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*
wife: you’re drunk
me: I’m not the one who’s all blurry Carol
I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.
me: what do u mean my friend cant come in
bouncer: theres no way hes 21
me: but-
stuart little: dude its fine lets just go
He goes out for a run, and doesn’t even stop to sniff any crotches.
Humans are weird.~Dogs.