8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: ….Punches 6yo in the face.
Me: Woah,what the hell was that for?
8yo: He knows.
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Can you guys make me famous? I’m tired of being a meaningful contributor to society.
God: you’ll be man’s best friend
Cat: nah
God: wh-what
Cat: give the role to that guy *points at dog chasing its tail*
Dog: oh boy oh boy i won’t let you down i just love u so much! iloveuiloveuiloveu
God: ok you have a point
Dog, to cat: ilove-
Cat: *swats nose* no
Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first
I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.
My 8yo wants to make her tween sister’s birthday cake. My tween is mad because she wants to make her own cake. I suggested she have 2 birthday cakes and now everyone is upset.
Apparently the solution to all life’s problems is not more cake.
Roses are red
violets are blue
celery is green
bees are black and yellow
please help me I can’t stop
pumpkins are orange
satan is vermillion
I did nothing wrong—I tried to do nothing and did it wrong.
Walked by a restaurant where they were using iPads for menus. How cheap are iPads now? More importantly, how expensive are menus?
*opens assassination store*
*makes a killing*
Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.
me: ever get halfway thru a sentence and forget where you are
cellmate: i wish
I’m a bit concerned about my delivery driver
Makes me laugh when a person blows their nose,then look into the tissue to see what came out. Seriously.. what are you expecting to find there?
Plot twist: Dogs and cats do not adjust their clocks to Daylight Saving Time. Meals will be expected at the regularly appointed hour.
“Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus
“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.
Me: “Hello, I’m here for my interview at IKEA.”
Interviewer: “Come on in! Make a seat!”
I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.
THERAPIST: You’re cured.
ME: Really?!?
THERAPIST: No, of course not. How did that make you feel?
“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”
– Joan of Arc
I wonder if Houdini ever locked himself out of the house.
WIFE: I don’t like pre Christmas, mainly because I’m so bad at buying presents.
ME: You just put them on the counter and give the checkout person money, Sharon.
HER: I hate you.
Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.
According to my wife I’m the best at driving over every pothole when she has to pee.
One man. One dream. One crazy summer. Three wizards. Fourteen cobras. Ten thousand condoms. I dunno, I’m just listing things.
Me standing next to random car making phone call, Swiss policeman arrives,
“You cannot park there”
“It’s not my car”
“You have to move it”
“It’s not my car”
“Move it or get a fine”
“It’s not my car”
Policeman writes ticket,
“I did warn you”“It’s not my car”
DATE: do you want kids?
ME [looking around]: *whispers* i mean i guess so, did you bring some?
After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.
I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.
We’ve all been there