Wow my pants are really loose today
*skips to the nearest vending machine*
You Might Also Like
“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?
Social media is great. Before Facebook I’d never know what the girl who wrote “dirty Jew” on my 8th grade locker was thankful for this year.
*dipping a tortilla chip into an active volcano*
Me: This salsa is spicy
me: I broke my leg, can anyone help
guy: I know what to do
me: oh thank goodness
guy: *loading shotgun* I learned from looking after horses
me: k wait
My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.
why do they call it involuntary manslaughter and not a grave mistake
Remember, your toilet is just afraid of you as you are of it.
I drove for the first time in a long time without the music on……I don’t think cars are supposed to make the sounds I’m hearing.
My confession was so sinful the priest had to call for back up
That awkward moment you run into someone in public that you know, and there is nowhere to hide.
*30 years into the Apocalypse*
Grandson – Before phones what did you do for fun?
*Pulls out faded extremely warn hacky sack*
Me – This shall be the best thing I bestow upon you. I also have a random shampoo bottle you can read while you poo.
my dad hates when i spend money on take out and loves to complain while he’s eating the onion rings i just paid for
I have a black belt in leather
Childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
You call that an apology? I’ll show you an apology!
Canadian Oneupmanship
oh u like geography? name every lake
People always say “unceremoniously fired” like it ever happens any other way. I’d like to see a big ceremony for firing somebody. Get the gang together. Order a cake. Wear some special robes.
When someone says “Idaho”, I still respond by saying “Udaho!” and I will never stop.
I love Bounty but even I think this is cursed
men r from mars , women r frm venus , neither are capable of reproducton or space travel so species dies out [RECALIBRATE SIMULATION?] <Y/N>
I bought a formal gown simply because it had pockets.
[wife gets home & sees shit on the rug]
What’s this?“It was Rover he w..”
*dog makes throat slice gesture*“It was me. I shit on the rug”
It’s not “spicy, tender and mild.” I know this now
Another normal evening
Cook food – 30 minutes
Eat it – 5 minutes
Check Facebook – 1 minute
Check Twitter – 8 hours
None of the parenting books prepared me for my teen asking me what “the carpet matches the drapes” means.
Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain’t gonna happen.
I tried to renew my subscription to a magazine & somehow duplicated the subscription. After finally canceling one, I did so, & now at the same name & the same *address* I simultaneously receive both a copy of the magazine & “we’d love for you to resubscribe” letters every month.
I cheat on my taxes by sleeping with other people’s taxes.
“At this point, if the Zodiac Killer is still alive, he’s gonna reveal his identity just so people don’t think he’s Ted Cruz. “ – my wife
Joined a band called The Upholsterers. We do Furniture covers.