Apparently asking the car salesmen how many people can fit in the trunk is a no no.
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I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”
Now we wait.
Me: Watcha got there?
8: Lemonade.
Me: What kind?
8: Mike’s
Me: Nooooooo
Lawyer: do you watch people use the bathroom?
Defendant: no
Lawyer: spell “ICUP”
Defendant: I-C-U-P
Judge: *softly* omg
Jury: *whispering*
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
Waiter: pumpkin pie?
Me: ok, …. darling
Not to brag but I used hand soap before it was trending.
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
[back from the ultrasound]
MOTHER-IN-LAW: So did you see the fetus?
ME: Fetus, handus, legus…there was practically a whole baby in there!
Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.
The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.
You can literally be in Autozone and your kid will still want something. WTF you want a alternator?
Quick question, how long do you have to drive around with a cracked windshield before it magically fixes itself? It’s been two weeks and I think I’m doing something wrong.
Dash light: “0 miles to empty.”
Me: “Bet.”
*Wife busts me installing locks on man-cave door*
Wife : Great idea! That will keep the kids out!
Me : Uh… yeah. The kids.
[trapped inside a volcano]
Me:
Toddler:
Me:
Toddler: Be Careful…
Me: *sigh*
Toddler: The floor is lava…
the man next to me at this airport bar just sent at least 30 cry laugh emojis to a person in a text while he sat stoically drinking a heineken
My girlfriend sat up in bed at 3am and yelled “they’ll never find his body” and then giggled. So no sleeping ever again i guess.
A bum gets on a bus and walks past a nun. The nun says “youre going to hell”. The bum yells “Damn, Im on the wrong bus” ! 😀
*Husband forgets to close screen on door*
*4 hrs later*
Me: *feels furriness on my leg in bed*
*rolls over*
Squirrel: *stares*
*At the local breakfast restaurant
Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?
Me: Reese’s
If someone says, “I hate to ask you this, BUT…” you should have 4 designated friends who will jump on you & carry you out of the building like secret service agents.
Your 30’s mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.
I brought sexy back and man was that Kohl’s cashier confused.
Any dogs trainers on this app? How do I train my dog to make margaritas?
Dearly beloved, we are gathered together before God & these witnesses to observe the following: 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19
-Prime Minister
“Does this spark joy?”
[my wife shakes her head as Marie Kondo forcibly removes me from our house]
You see two puppies.
“Awwwww!”
But they’re cannibal puppies!
“Ahhhhhhh!”
One puppy eats the other!
“Ewwwww!”
Then he takes a nap.
“Awwwww!”
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.
challenging Dwayne Johnson to a fight and showing up with the biggest paper bag you’ve ever seen