Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.
You Might Also Like
*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!
This has to be the worst date I have ever had. That includes the time that I accidentally answered my uncle’s personal ad….
A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender’s attention.
A couple of years ago, I convinced my son I don’t know how to clap. He’s been trying to teach me ever since. I’m hoping I can keep this going til I stand up and slow clap during his high school graduation
9am: Nice try, Amazon, I’m not falling for the Prime Day BS again.
9:22am: *Reading reviews for commercial soft-serve ice cream makers*
mom: you waste your money on stupid stuff
me: you’re right. btw how’s that panini press working out?
mom:
me: making a lot of paninis with that thing?
I think one of the main reasons I don’t believe in reincarnation is because I don’t like the idea that I’ve done all this before and am still so bad at it.
Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.
I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.
Not everyone realizes this, but if you clean the pile of receipts out of a purse and stack them together, it makes a teeny tiny book about why you’re broke.
Oh, I bet you would be
Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage
Bar tender: On the rocks?
Me: What? No. Full of coke
My new washing machine plays a tune very similar to an ice cream truck when it’s finished.
There’s no ice cream in there. I checked. Twice.
Him: So tell me a little about yourself.
Me: But this was going so well…
Well it was really just a matter of time, but I think I’ve completely creeped out my sleep paralysis demon for good this time.
My parents were going to name me after the city I was conceived in but neither of them knew how to spell Albuquerque.
i love police dramas because i’m a big fan of men in rolled up sleeves standing in front of a map saying “all right people listen up” 20 minutes in.
Daylight Saving Time is a scam. It was originally pushed through Congress by Big Candle.
I keep lowering my expectations and you keep limbo-ing underneath them.
We spent $12,775 on daycare last year, for anyone currently using the pull out method.
INTERVIEWER: Tell me one of your weaknesses.
ME: I sometimes mistake professional behavior for flirting.
INTERVIEWER: There is zero chance we’d ever hire someone with that issue.
ME: Listen, I’m flattered, but I’m married.
It’s ok. I killed the oregano flake on the counter.
FRIEND: [over the phone] Do you think the quarantine has changed you?
ME: [knitting a dress for the raccoons in my backyard] No
Unfortunately, Yoda’s proposal came across as more of a statement, possibly even a threat. And so, he lived out his life alone, forever pining for “which got away, the one.”
*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby
I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.
Nothing makes me second-guess my language like a little voice chirping, “Mommy, I found your freaking measuring spoons.”
just taught my 3yo to sing “if you’re happy and you’ve no wit, clap your hands” and then laugh at the people clapping
I want whatever ice cream is most popular served at my funeral bc I think it would be funny to see a bunch of adults eating ice cream cones but really sadly
[before quarantine]
me: “gross! this cereal has gone stale”
[5 weeks in quarantine]
me: “you found cereal?! ill get the raccoon milk!”