me: I plead the 3rd
lawyer: the third amendment is you can’t be forced to quarter soldiers. the fifth is you can’t be compelled to act as witness against yourself. did you mean the fifth?
me: I mean I kinda don’t want to have to do either
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The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.
1: How old is James Earl Jones?
2: She’s 30
1: OMG WHAT?
I can’t get out of bed, my Fitbit is charging and my steps won’t count
Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.
My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus
ME: Omg I love making up stupid words too!
HER: No, spelunking is a thing
ME: Ha ha, absototesly.
Your husband’s super cute, is he single?
WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.
The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen
I’m gonna hang on to you one more year, bottle of relish.
*calls restaurant*
Me: Hi is your place a kid friendly restaurant?
Host: Of course it is sir
*hangs up*
If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.
My 4 year old daughter is in the tub screaming song requests at Alexa like a drunk divorcee
Wife: *spreads picnic beneath large oak tree*
Me: No good
Wife: Why not?
Me: Seems shady
Wife: *attacks me with plastic cutlery*
When I see a kid on a leash I assume they were a dog turned into a kid by a witch & the owners have yet to figure out how to turn them back.
Me: Hi—
Her: I have a boyfriend
Me: —and would you like fries with that?
Oh men definitely want to strangle me, just not in a sexy way.
I’m a math truther now. Infinity is a lie. Numbers stop at 39.
[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]
Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade
The Very Hungry Caterpillar taught me that I can binge eat carbs and then take a two week nap and I’ll become beautiful.
*finds $20 in the dryer*
*adds money launderer to my resumé*
“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”
– me whenever my wife sings while driving.
No one is more focused than a person sitting on the subway pretending they don’t see the hugely pregnant woman standing in front of them.
“I live as a mountain man because I enjoy the isolation and I hate people. Film crews are cool though.” – Mountain Men on History Channel
I had rando stomach pain and went “ooh,” and patted my tummy, but I guess this looked sus
My wife gave me a funny look, so I panicked and said “the baby kicked”
A man messaged me on insta and said “you are not looking bad.” This might be the one, y’all
Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.
[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet