The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.
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Today’s Google Searches, Thanksgiving Edition:
Hormonal teenage daughter: Where do you want to be buried?
Me: You mean after I die, right?
ME: you have to go to college
SON: but why though?
ME: to be able get nice things *shows him my watch* you see this?
SON: yeah
ME: I stole this from my roommate freshman year
I’m convinced the bulk of my Amazon recommendations derive from Alexa listening to me talking to myself in every room of my house. I don’t even care anymore. I mean, who are we kidding. Just send all the things, Amazon. You have my credit card and know where I live
For my followers who’ve told me they feel shitty about where they are in life right now. Here’s my answer to y’all.
Man arrested at airport after officials discover 35 live birds attached to his clothing as he attempted to smuggle them into the country for singing competitions
We had half a cake left from my husband’s birthday and my mother-in-law said I should wrap it and put it in the freezer for later, as if we’re not planning to eat the other half for breakfast tomorrow.
On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system
It isn’t a successful BBQ until some drunken idiot walks face first into a closed sliding glass door.
I’m fine by the way.
My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.
Four engineers get into a car. The car won’t start.
Mechanical engineer: It’s a broken starter.
Electrical engineer: Dead battery.
Chemical engineer : Impurities in the gasoline.
IT engineer: Hey guys, I have an idea. How about we all get out of the car and get back in.
My kid’s kindergarten e-learning class is being very rude during show and tell. We worked very hard to put together this serial killer stats presentation.
[driving]
Me: I don’t know where we are.
3-year-old: I do. We’re in the car.
Mom can you come pick me up? My in-laws are being racist again
Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.
Don’t let anyone treat you like a red flag, you’re the whole damn red carpet baby
[job interview]
Interviewer: Mind if I call one of your references right now?
Me: Sure, go ahead
Interviewer: [dials number]
Me: [answering the phone ringing in my pocket while putting on a cowboy hat] HOWDY PARTNER
Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.
me: i knocked through a fake wall in my bathroom and there was a whole secret furnished room behind there
friend: you live in an apartment complex
me: oh yeah
STOP HONKING! IF I DRIVE ANY FASTER THE TINY LIZARD THAT HITCHED A RIDE ON MY HOOD IS GONNA FALL TO HIS DEATH. HAVE SOME COMPASSION, PEOPLE.
if it’s fantasy football i see no reason why i can’t start a dragon at first base
Starve a cold. Feed a fever. Humiliate a rash. Flatter a migraine. Friendzone diarrhea. Date cramps. Bring anxiety home to meet the family.
chumbawamba: I get knocked down
me: so relatable
chumbawamba: but I get up again
me: oh nevermind
I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.
why aren’t GMOs called faking an organism
If a cougar left her teeth next to my bed in a glass of water was that a tip? Do I have to change the water? Do I feed them like goldfish?
Me- *Merging in traffic* Am I clear on your side?
13- *continues looking at her phone* Yes