worst…sale…ever
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I do 8 sit-ups every mornin’. Might not sound like much, but there’s only so many times you can hit the snooze button. Merica.
Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.
On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.
2019: the floor is lava
2020: literally don’t touch anything
[adrift at sea]
CLOWN: no worries, we can use this helium canister to propel us to shore
ME: *really squeaky voice* we need a different plan
I love to watch the look of panic on my husband’s face when I pull a pair of panties out of my drawer and say, “um, these aren’t mine.”
sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze
None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.
The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.
OMG, he’s almost here.
How’s my hair?
My clothes?
How do I look?(knock, knock)
He’s here!!!!
I’m so excited!*My pizza delivery guy.
I need a new salt grinder but I need one full of just Xanax because salt is bad for you.
Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody
(gets elected)
Me: I never said that.
Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.
[holding an acorn]
“do you still love me?”
Wife yells outside-
“that’s not even the same squirrel as yesterday!”“Shaddup you!”
Them: love what you do and you’ll never work a day in your life
Me: ok how can I make this apply to eating cheese?
You don’t know what real fear is, until you’ve been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California.
Bewitched was my favorite show about a woman who had a magical power & couldn’t use it because she got married.
oh sorry I meant to say I was in *an* arcade fire
I was in a park and a lady loudly called out “Anyone who wants an ice cream come over here”. I headed over with several others. She handed out ices to them all then asked me “Who are you?”. I realised the rest were all her family. 30 years later I still cringe.
Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.
[covered in olive oil, salt, pepper and other herbs and spices]
Professor: “That’s just not what I meant when I said “come prepared”…”
TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.
Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?
TSA: ….
This is the cutest stalk I’ve ever seen. The ear scratching is just the best 😂
If they stole your tweet they probably need it more than you do.
Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it
Space.
Employee: please stop
Me: I’m just finding the right avocado
Employee: people usually just squeeze it
Me: *takes one bite out of another avocado* really?
People falling down has become a lot less funny now that I’m in my 40s and can incur permanent bodily damage from like yawning wrong
dracula: I vant to suck ur blood
me: oh no
dracula: I will drain u completely
me:
dracula: I will suck u dry
me:
dracula: why do u keep giggling
Angel: Whatcha makin?
God: I call them peanuts. A tasty treat in a protective shell. They’re not really a fruit or vegetable. Most people will love to eat them.
Angel: That sounds innovative-
God: Others will eat them and die
Angel: …is this a prank?