When someone disagrees with you online & demands you prove your point to their satisfaction by writing a logically sound defense, u can save a lot of time by not doing that.
Dude, I’ve known u for ten seconds & enjoyed none of them, I’m not taking homework assignments from you.
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my favouritest X’s, ranked:
9. _traterrestrial
8. _marks the spot
7. _ray specs
6. _chromosome
5. generation_
4. _tasy
3. _tra large portion of fries
2. _rated
1. _wife
Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.
“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes
Witch: [cursing me] you will get hit in the head with a basketball everyday
Me: whatever
[next day, watching game]
Announcer on TV: and it looks like he missed the shot so bad the ball left the stadium
Me: what
[theres a knock on the door]
I just called one ex a calculator and another a potential murder victim so if you’re looking for metaphors, I’m probably the grapefruit.
When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.
People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.
Me: i knew you’d pull through
drug dealer: [passing vitamin gummies] just go to walgreens man
{Father & son fishing}
DAD: Son, I don’t say this nearly enough…
SON: *smiles* Yeah?
DAD: …I used to practice kissing on your Aunt Kim.
Me: So I’ll see you Friday?
Friend: I can’t wait!
Me: FINE THEN FORGET IT
Any minute now the cactuses are just going to start walking around and we’re all going to be like how did we not see this coming
We never got the wreath, but we put up the hanger. This shows intent.
I love the honesty
Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.
My 11-year-old showed me how to fix something on my computer that I didn’t understand.
She’s eleven.
I’m thirty-six years old and I’ve already become my grandparents.
What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.
[eating dinner]
wife
me
wife
me [wearing 8 Burger King crowns] If they didn’t want you to take more than one there’d be a sign
wife
me
wife
boss: what are you doing this weekend?
me: more like who 😉
boss: *sigh* who are you doing this weekend?
me: no one 🙁
I see Atheists are fighting and killing each other again, over who doesn’t believe in any God the most. Oh, no..wait.. that never happens.
People this one of the best days ever (next to the time with the guy in a van) @funTweeters is now following me- suck it Dane Cook
My “get up and go” got up and left years ago.
A dog walks into a bar. Then a bank. Then the dry cleaners. This is a dog world. Way to be productive, dog. Try to do the bar last next time
me *sneezes*
cw: Bless you
me *sneezes*
cw: Allergies?
[flashback to me snorting pepper because my kid dared me to]
me: Yeah, I guess so
Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.
Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.
I once walked out of a movie because the actor’s fake typing was so bad.
Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.
Starbucks Manager: I wish I could contact my dead grandma somehow
Me: I can put you in touch with a medium
Starbucks Manager: A what