Him: Who are you supporting in the World Cup?
Me: Hogwarts.
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I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move
My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.
*gets toy out of packaging, earns engineering degree
I haven’t received any good news lately. I’m starting to think that 5th grade fortune teller at my nephew’s fall festival may have been a fraud.
me: [leans in for kiss]
robber: quickly but then money
In my town it’s: Package delivered, here’s a picture of it at someone else’s house
DOCTOR: You only got one body. You should take care of it.
ME: If I only got one body, I should probably use it up. Really run it ragged.
DOCTOR: …
ME: Get my money’s worth.
My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.
If McDonald’s and Burger King get into a turf war, is that a ground beef?
When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.
CANADA WATCHING US NEWS
“Dad, I’ve heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her.”
“Son, that happens everywhere!”
My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
1. Stand in sauna
2. Add 30,000 strangers
3. Take 2 steps every 30 seconds
4. Repeat for 12 hoursCongratulations! How was Disneyworld?
Dermatologist asked why I want my tattoo removed and looked at me like no one’s ever said “because it’s my ex’s Twitter handle” before.
Mehh
~Goat, sighing..
Standing in the snow on a sub-zero morning, holding a steaming bag of poop, I begin to question my ‘dogs are better than people’ philosophy.
*gains winter weight for “insulation”
*is now fat and cold
[Inventing Squash]
FRIEND: What are you doing?
ME: I just [smashes ball] really hate this wall
FRIEND: u know what [grabs racket] so do I
Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.
“Dude, this is so awesome, I can use my $300 smart phone as a flashlight”.
– Why we’ll be speaking Chinese in 50 years.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *hands him a puppy and drives off*
[3 years later]
COP *walking his dog*: wait a second…
The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.
just can’t imagine being this mad at a pond
My 8 year old daughter is either sick and needs constant care or she’s ready to move out and start her life. There’s no in between.
Me: sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight but I’m kinda popular & I can’t jeopardise that by being seen with you..
Daughter: wtf dad?
BOSS: I’m firing you.
ME: Thank heavens!
BOSS: Why else would I call you here?
ME: Thought I was losing my job *puts on helmet*
BOSS: Lol. No. *helps me into cannon* Who else would do this?
Me: *parks in “pregnant women only” parking spot after overeating at the buffet*
Stranger: Oh wow, you look like you’re going to pop! When are you due?
Me: Probably in like 24-30 hours.
America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.
I hate when Netflix asks if I’m still watching. You really think I got my life together in the last 2 hours?