Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene routine are really unnecessary.
You Might Also Like
Me: Got my finger stuck in this beer bottle.
Wife: How?!
M: Just help me.
W: Have you tried butter?
M: It’s delicious. Now will you help me?
AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat
BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*
I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
Finally got the mustache thick enough where other mustache guys are giving me the mustache-comradery nod. Absolutely crushed it at Home Depot today. Neck sore from nodding.
Guilt should be a condiment. It goes on everything.
Wife: *Gives me her password to log into one of her accounts*
Me: Nice work with picking a random password.
Wife: It’s our anniversary.
I’m getting really good at raising my eyebrow to communicate the concept of “that’s not six foot”.
I learnt it from various women who were communicating a similar message in a very different context.
Boss: what should we call the lower cabinet in the corner that swivels?
Bonnie (who hates Susan): I have an idea.
My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.
Maybe mama duck isn’t leading her babies, maybe she’s trying to outrun them.
when you lie on your résumé about your qualifications and then show up day 1
ME AT 19: I stayed in a youth hostel with 20 strangers
ME IN MY 40s: This hotel bed is a bit smaller than at home and my wife’s leg touched me in the middle of night and now my vacation is ruined
Is Pepsi ok?
*I pull out my phone and send a text*
*2 hours pass*
*an out of breath Dikembe Mutumbo runs in wagging his finger*
No it is not
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
I work hard so that the possum that lives in my garage can have a better childhood than I did
Reasons I wish I was an octopus:
1. I could hold every slice of a pizza.
2. 8 votes at the PTA meeting.
3. Stop sign hugs.
You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.
[meeting]
ME: ok bear with me folks *pulls out a live salmon and eats it*
BUSINESS BEARS: *look around at each other and nod approvingly* this guy’s good
sharks do not actually like the taste of human flesh, they are just trying to find out if you are a cake
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation
Fingers crossed that Cupid hits me in the carotid artery.
Say what you will about the Grinch, but having garlic in your soul and living alone with a dog sounds pretty damn great to me.
If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.
I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.
hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider
[first date]
I just love that you are a normal, cool girl.
*subtly slides macaroni art of your face back under my chair*
-Yeah, totally.
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know I’m just messin with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name. lol.
God: are you serious?
Owl: no i’m Owl : )
God:
Owl:
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
After a stressful day of holiday shopping, I like to soak away my cares in a relaxing bath.
Mall Security: Ma’am, get out of the fountain.
If you’ve got one of those video doorbells, don’t be surprised if I do a tight seven-minute set on your porch.