Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.
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me: i’m a writer
them: oh! what do you write?
me: mostly emails
dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment
Burning rubber…
While driving a race car: Good
While using a condom: Bad
[DEATH ROW]
WARDEN: Last meal?
CON: Just a glass of lemonade please
*Drinks lemonade/Burps*
WARDEN: Pardon
[CON WALKS FREE]
W: SHIT
My marriage counselor suggested that I forget about the past. So I forgot that I got married and now I’m happy.
That guy is a genius.
wife: I’m throwing out the broken vacuum, it just sits there collecting dust
me: isn’t that– are you sure it’s broken?
Went gluten-free and already lost 15 friends in the first week!
They should make fortune cookies with more obtainable fortunes:
You will vacuum the living room.
You will run into the coffee table.
STOP KILLING CHEETAHS TO MAKE CHEETOS
A 12 step program but it’s just me getting off the couch.
Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog…this is the only way now.
You know your kid is Canadian when she’s watching football and asks why no one is skating
[during sex]
her: choke me
me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}
A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.
Shortcut
[Taken 26]
Abductor: I have your great granddaughter
LIAM NEESON: I literally died 12 years ago
What I said: please stop letting flies in.
What my kids heard: go in and out the door every 23 seconds and don’t close it behind you.
Me: Oh God help I’ve been stabbed in the tummy
911: how old are you?
Me: 38
911: omg
Me: what
911: 38
Me: what
911: tummy
Me: just send help
911: ok tummy sending you an amby wamby
Circling toys in the Christmas catalog as a kid for your parents is the same as sending links to your spouse as an adult.
Me, day twenty of law school:
Your diligence, the prosecution rests.
Judge: Counselor, for the third time…you are the defense.
Me: Shit! Can I go again?
Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments
The newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Jurtle: Thiccelangelo.
You hang Up.
“No you hang Up.”
No YOU hang Up.
“No YOU hang Up.”– couple fighting while hanging Pixar movie posters
*gets hit by car*
me: it’s ok buddy can happen to anyone*friend says I’ll call you right back and doesn’t*
me: there can be no forgiveness for this
I would’ve gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for that group of sexually repressed potheads who kept talking to their great dane.
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.
It’s so obvious that she wants me. She avoids me at all costs probably because her feelings are so strong for me.
Yeah, I’ll go with that.
When an ex mansplains something to you it’s called “explaining”
I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.