911: What’s you’re emergency?
ME: You mean “your”?
911: OK. So..?
ME: Someone’s murdering me
911: You mean “murdered”
ME:..
911: [dial tone]
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Her: I like Halloween too, but we’re not having kids just so you can get free candy once a year.
My dad left to get a pack of cigarettes 30 years ago and still hasn’t come back. That’s why I never started smoking. I just don’t have the time.
Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.
LIFE HACK: At the end of a night out, go to a Domino’s Pizza, order a delivery then catch a ride with the driver. Dinner + transport home!
When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.
Pretty sure the guy infront of me at McDonald’s ordered the rest of the food.
hi aliens, if you’re harvesting humans the best and juiciest ones have a lot of numbers in their bank accounts
[restaurant]
*motions for waiter*
Waiter! Bill please!
*Bill comes out & dances embarrassingly to entertain me & the guests*
Thanks Bill!
Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…
She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites
How to be happier:
1. Exercise
2. Lift weight3. When you’ve become stronger due to those exercises, smack the person who made you unhappy.
Whose bad idea was it to text him a 4th time just in case his phone was being weird?
Tequila, I’m looking at you.
you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”
me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time
onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog
They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to five, I can hit the nine-minute snooze three more times and only be five minutes late.
Me: I’ve got mismatched socks do you think that’s ok
Wife: I don’t think anyone’s gonna notice
Me: I’m gonna tell em
*holds pen ready*
“How many zeros in one million?”
“Six”
“Ok, thanks”
*writes milli000000n*
Its true…
Parenting is basically telling your kids they need to eat more fruit then telling them to quit eating all the fruit.
[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here
Him: A nap? Really?
Me: It’s not me. I have two wolves inside me and they want a nap.
Him:
Me: I’m a responsible owner and let them nap.
Him: Guess they like pizza, too.
Me: What do you have against wolves?
i love banana bread you just buy a bunch of bananas and then ignore them for a while and finally you’re like ok u will be bread now
My answer to the question “where would you most like to work?” is the same as to the question “what’s your favourite dog?” Chocolate lab.
I scare off men like I’m some kind of evil clown hiding in their closet.
“I’m not a clown!” I shouted as I sniffed his sweater vest.
but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??
asking for a friend
The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.
[pilot on plane intercom] Is there a doctor on boa… *extreme vomiting noises*… Is there an exorcist on boa… *sound of pilot being eaten*…[demon voice] Does anyone on board have any tabasco sauce?
Right on, adults who are excited for Halloween. I too get excited about things meant for kids. Last week I lost my shit because I saw a frog
I’m at my neighbor’s house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.