Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life
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[walks into aquarium]
me: hi can I just use your bathroom?
employee: sorry it’s for patrons only
me: ok fine I’ll take four sharks
The hunt for apples and oranges on tinder was the biggest disaster of my life. Mission failed: we’ll get em next time.
[Grocery Store]
Wife: Why do we need 12 baskets?
Me: *takes idioms very literally* One for each egg.
Sometimes I’ll show my husband the chewed up food in my mouth just so he’s reminded of the delicacy and beauty of the flower he chose.
They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog
[job interview]
How did you lose your last job?
“I quit because I wanted a career with a bright future.”
Sir, this is McDonald’s.
“Who let the dogs out” they ask. “No idea” I say. They let me go. As I walk away from the police station my limp slowly disappears.
Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.
Vegetarian? Sea kelp.
Cannibal? Seek help.
Doctor: you look awful
Me: *covered in blood* you should see the other guy!
Other guy: *enters, looks fine* still talkin shit?
Teacher: Why are you late?
Boy: My fish died.
Teacher: What fish?
Boy: You don’t know him he goes to different school.
He asked where I wanted to go for dinner, and that’s how the fight got started.
With less than 1 day to go..
Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?
my kid learned what money was today at 9 am and by noon he was ready to stab me over 27 cents
estão todos miauvindo?
Welcome to your 40s: everyone can hear you when you stand up now.
When I’m at the supermarket and knock on a watermelon, I honestly do not know what I am listening for
I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “Your guess is as good as mine.”
Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about me leaving work on Fridays.
[pulled over]
COP 1: any drugs or alcohol in the car?
ME: no
COP 2: told you he was a nerd
ME: nuh uh I have so much drugs
COP 1: lol gotcha
My parents are replacing their coffee machine, which is 7 years old.
Me: that’s not that old, I have sheets older than that.
Mother: well perhaps your sheets aren’t getting as much action as our coffee machine.
I’m going to need an ambulance.
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
Oh, you’re 19 and have abs? Yeah you’re supposed too. You haven’t been alive long enough to get fat.
God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”
One of the perks of marriage is having someone around to let you know which normal things from your childhood were actually very very weird
Salad in a bag. What’s next, spaghetti in your purse? Ham in your backpack? Lobster in your luggage?
me: my loofah completely fell apart in the shower
prison guard: those are ramen noodles
Every time I think I’m failing as a parent my daughters are there to agree.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.