*puts ex in Memory Lane*
*revs car engine*
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Mary had a little lamb. The doctors are all really confused.
There’s a 99.9% chance that no one on twitter is your soulmate. There’s also a 99.9% chance your spouse agrees.
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word.
My new driver’s license picture doesn’t look anything like me.
*tapes a little picture of an iPhone over half my face
Now it looks like me.
my grandfather would be rolling in his grave if we got him the casket he asked for.
Me to husband: I’m about to cook, but first, can you do that thing I like?
Him: *disables smoke alarm*
I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.
Revenge is not a dish you dumb fucks.
I had three cabbage rolls before bed. No need for an alarm clock.
3yo stood in front of the electric door at the grocery store, kicking it and shouting, “Dammit! Open! Why does no one listen to me?”
I think she’s ready to be a parent now.
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
I told my 2yo I was coming to his preschool holiday party and he looked really worried and said, “but what chair will you sit in?” Glad to know anxiety about literally nothing is genetic.
Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-
Me: I have a grandma.
ME: excuse me did you say this was non-GMO
WAITER: yes that’s right
ME: [pointing to my alphabet soup] there’s like a dozen of them in there
If I take anymore ibuprofen, I’m going to have to log it as a snack.
[1st time eating a lemon] this orange is angry
Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?
He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”
She said: “What? Like…today?”
“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?
A candle with no wick, is just wax, but a wick with no wax, is just string.
What else… ummm… no, I guess that concludes my TED Talk.
My 6yr old keeps dropping her popsicle on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I…
“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”
My favourite machine at the gym is the television.
[High Stakes Poker]
Dealer: Are you in or are you out?
Schrödinger’s Cat: [For the 20th time]
BOTH
[Player flips table]
Adam: are you naked?
Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig
Kids are home for two weeks while their school is being cleaned. I want to blame the virus but in reality, Corona is how I wound up with three kids in the first place.
At the park yesterday my 4yr old was talking to one of the dads, being all charming and cute, complimenting his tattoos. Then he started telling him about mommy’s tattoos and pointing me out. Good to know I’ve got a good wingman if I ever need one.
Cremate me when I die and fire my ashes right when the beat drops at the club. First person to bring a tooth to the DJ gets free drinks all night
Hey, so I was working on an Excel spreadsheet and hit an unfamiliar function button and, long story short, now I am trapped inside it and all these numbers are mad at me
Doctor: How your diet?
Me: My what now?