[in a meeting]
ok a Dracula movie except he’s new in town and biting is illegal but he befriends the pastors daught-
“that’s just Footloose”
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Engagement photo shoots are so funny as a concept. Like girl, we believed you
“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.
My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.
[picking out a washing machine]
how many watermelons can this hold?
“uhh I dunno, 11?”
only 11?
*keeps walking to next one*
how many waterme
[a pig opens the door for me]
Thank you, ha’am.
There are so many different genres of music nowadays, but most of it could be filed under “Ear Shit”
My wife just texted to tell me that she killed a spider all by herself, get my union rep on the phone, stat.
I don’t understand why the pediatrician runs hearing tests, all you have to do is open a tub of ice cream 2 floors away in the middle of the night and you can tell if your kid can hear
Don’t know why other people struggle to break addictions. I quit eating doughnuts 8 times last year
Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.
To celebrate Halloween I made my scary movie hating husband watch, “Paranormal Activity” with me, waited till he fell asleep and ran through the house with powder in my socks leaving strange otherworldly footprints for him to find. The exorcism is being scheduled as we speak.
nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.
boss: you’re fired
me: [slamming fist on couch] you woke me up for this?
You can be 30+ years old with children of your own and your parents will tell you not to eat too much ice cream because you threw up once when you were 8
Ended a date early one time so I could come home and eat my hawaiian bbq leftovers before anyone else got to it
I bet birds love this building.
Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.
Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?
date: i think i’m going to leave.
me: [absolutely covered with seaweed] but your bio said you LIKED long walks on the beach.
me: you can’t throw rocks at your teammates when you’re playing outfield
6 year old: I read the rules, it doesn’t say that
I’m a Florida 4, but a Walmart 6, so I’m a Florida Walmart 5.
If I see someone stumble, catch themselves, & madly start looking about to see if anyone saw, I always make sure I make direct eye contact.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ’embarrassing’
“Oh I don’t mind, you can say it”
No, it’s really ’embarrassing’
“Ok, I promise not to laugh”
HAGRID: You’re a wizard, Harry.
ME: I’m not Harry.
H: Henry, you’re, there’s a blizzard.
M: Are you drunk?
H: Glenn, I’m a tugboat.
Me: Excel, could you copy paste values pls
Excel: (smoking cigarette and eating Doritos) yeah I can do it but it’s gonna take like 10 minutes
Me: why
Excel: (eating three chips at once) because I don’t like you
Can anyone live in a sewer or do you have to be a clown or a Ninja Turtle
Robin: Your ad says you’re looking for a side chick?
Batman: Sidekick
Robin: Close enough
Doctor: You need a new liver and we found a match.
Me: When can you operate?
*lighting a candle*
Doctor: When we find you a new liver.