Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a tired person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
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Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.
Friend: can I borrow £20?
Me: No.
*slides me £20
Friend: How about now?
When someone asks me if I could hold their baby I immediately drop my phone, try to pick it up and drop it again twice, and then say “Sure”.
Me: C’mon, baby. Just the tip?
Her: No!
Me: Awww, cmon!
Her: No, you’re paying the whole bill this time.
Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.
*dog pokes me with nose*
*stop, it’s late*
(Dog looks at me with sad eyes)
*ugh, ok*
[sets up poker table for him and his friends]
Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
90% of parenting is making up rules. 10% is trying to remember them.
Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick
ALADDIN: i can show you the world
JASMINE: wat why. do u kno that there are people out there. why do u think we live ina palace. no thank u
PREACHER: any prayer requests?
3 DUCKS IN A TRENCHCOAT (from the last pew): do the one about our daily bread
cool knife. it would look even cooler on my bedroom floor
Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.
*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors
I just meowed at a cat and from the way it looked back at me I am 90% sure I said something really offensive
Trains are cancelled cause of the wind, but uni expects me to still come in??? What makes them think I’m stronger than a train
Her: Look, I made a huge mistake hooking up with you, OK? I love my boyfriend.
Me: Yea, I could really sense that when you were taking my belt off with your teeth…
According to this Ancestry DNA test, I’m 40% caveman. Thanks, Flintstones vitamins.
you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.
STEPS TO FOLD A FITTED SHEET
1) PUT SHEET ON BED
2) FOLD BED
Parents, need a little free time Easter morning?
Have your kids hunt for Easter eggs that you never hid.
Bonus points for telling them they’re getting warmer.
FRIEND: so how are you?
ME: I’m well, thanks!
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: not much!
FRIEND: well, what have you been up to?
ME: why are you doing this to me
My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?
Me: I don’t think it’s an act.
My 7yo made a bed for his new stuffed giraffe on a windowsill, covering him with a bath towel.
I asked why the giraffe couldn’t just sleep with him in his bed, and I don’t have it in me to debate his reply:
“He’s a giraffe. He won’t fit in a bed.”
a woman just ran through the coffeeshop yelling “HELP! I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER! HELP HELP I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER” and I want to trade problems with her
Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.
Chased a waterfall and caught it easily. Not really sure what the big deal is.
Good news. My neighbor found that last box of fireworks.
what’s something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am
Good dog. ❤️