I just yanked a bag of Doritos away from my daughters and yelled “we’re about to eat dinner!” Then I finished the bag off by myself in the pantry.
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I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.
They wanted to talk to me about cheeses
{1st day as a correctional therapist}
Me: you need to free yourself from the prison-
Inmate: *excitedly unfolds escape plan*
Me: OF YOUR MIND
Inmate: *sadly folds escape plan*
wife: what’s the house of your dreams?
me: fireplace in each room. and there’s a bear walking around and it only speaks spanish. also the floor is quicksand.
wife:
me:
wife:
me: oh you mean like a house i wish we lived in.
sometimes I feel sad and then sometimes I go get an apple pie and vanilla soft serve from McDonald’s and mush them together so I can be fat and sad
When I was a kid $100 was a lot of money. Just like it is now.
My cat loves licking me, but can’t stand when I do it back
[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep
I used a maternity leave to grow out my bangs.
And that is why she will always be my favourite child.
Neil Diamond: 🎶HANDS…
TOUCHIN’ HANDS🎶
CDC: NO
Shout out to Clifford the Big Red Dog. He coulda eaten those kids a long time ago
Breaking news:
This will be my last writing as I’ve just entered IKEA with my family.
Tell my story.
No, not that one.
No, not that one either. Why would I want you to tell people about my time in a Turkish prison with a pregnant meerkat? Idiot.
In my first job, I had to proofread tampon box instructions. Grammar was good, but it was clear that they had no idea how a period works.
“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”
– Guy about to get stabbed bad
me: do u take walk-ins?
morgue: what
If you’re not going to offer booze at your wedding, at least have the decency to provide a wifi password.
Every reddit relationship post is like “My husband dropped a big piano on my head and when I emerged from the rubble my teeth had been replaced by the keys. Am I in the wrong?”
Me: [dies in the living room]
Dad: He never liked following directions
Gorilla: so I’m 500 pounds.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I have no natural predators.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I literally live here.
God: yes.
Gorilla: and I’m not the King of the Jungle?
God: exactly.
Gorilla: who is?
God: it’s kind of hard to explain-
Lion: did you tell him yet?
I went to the bathroom and forgot my phone. Had to read the little paper about Toxic Shock Syndrome from the tampon box again
[speed dating]
Her: THIS IS NICE
Me: I’M HAVING FUN TOO
Her: WHAT KIND OF DRUG DID YOU SAY THIS WAS?
Me: IT’S CALLED SPEED
Casual sex robots have rebooty calls
My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.
Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started
Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton
The me who had a cocktail and then signed up to bake 200 holiday cookies, chaperone the field trip, and decorate the classroom door, and the me who has to actually do all that this week are two very different people.
Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime
Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever
One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.
Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
#TrueStory
Went to the doctor the other day, he told me I had to stop lap-dancing. I asked him why and he said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”