No idea how I’ve managed to make it through life dealing with this constant affliction.
My family: Can you stop pointing at us when you say that.
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Told my girlfriend I can’t get mad at her while she’s wearing cowboy boots because it just makes *me* feel stupid so now whenever she knows she messed up all I hear is klip klip kloppity coming down the hallway
If you ever want a bad date to end just say “you remind me of my mother.” If you REALLY want to sell it leave out the “my”
Girlfriend: “I’m pregnant”
Me: “Really? Thats great.”
GF: “April Fo–”
*I’m already on a plane to a non extradition country*
Me: Dad gave me a sip of beer when I was 6 and I hated it. It was really effective in helping me to not rely on alcohol when dealing with my anger issues.
Prison Psychiatrist: you killed 8 people.
Me: yeah but I was super Zen about it
Jesus: remember disciples, everything the light touches is god’s kingdom
Judas: um, isn’t that from the Lion King?
Jesus: *glares at Judas*
You want me to respect scientists. The people who almost killed E.T.
I’m like American Cheese.
Krafty and oh so single.
Also terrible for you.
Police Officer: You know, this is a one way street?
Me: I was only going one way…
“my dad could beat up your dad”
we’re brothers you idiot
*cut to dad stepping on rake, knocking himself out*
The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.
If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.
I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write
normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking
remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
just got absolutely bodied by a 4 y/o girl on the tube – i gave my gf a kiss on the head and she points and shouts “look! her daddy is giving her kisses!”
I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend
*slowly backs away from you
*down the stairs
*out the door
*along the street
*through the airport
*onto to a plane
*into another country
I like donuts.
Twitter:
So I taught myself how to juggle chainsaws from a YouTube video and let’s just say this took me twenty minutes to type out one handed
5 year old: “That’s a big truck!”
“It’s a moving truck.”
“ALL TRUCKS MOVE.”
Why am I the one that feels like an idiot?
*pronounces “vaseline” like “baseline”*
You ever look someone in the eyes and it’s just blank? Like, you can see right into the filing cabinet of their brain and all the drawers are empty
Me: *brings home new puppy*
My dogs: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!
Day 1: Buys $8.00
organic raspberries.Day 2: Moldy.
Repeat weekly.
“I’m sure it’ll turn up” – Translation: I’m bored of helping you look.
Don’t worry if you haven’t disappointed anyone today, I’ve disappointed enough people for both of us.
Mechanic: Your car needs new brakes to pass inspection.
Me: Are you sure about that? *slides him a half used $10 Starbucks gift card*
Whenever there’s an immortal in any story they always know a dozen languages and have a ton of varied skills. Just once I want to see a character just squander it the way I would. 900 years old, barely speaks 1 language, binge watching The Office for the 7000th time
I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.