Tomorrow is the 4th of July which means one thing, it’s going to be a really big day for nail art Instagram photos.
You Might Also Like
There was a time when all I needed was to feed my grandpa’s goldfish, play with fridge magnets, and drink a 7up with a cherry… but daylight savings ruins everything
Fool me once shame on you,
Unless you’re speaking Spanish, then that’s eleven times and I probably deserved it.
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
Me: for really important stuff i guess
CNN: an Iowa woman just ate 37 McRibs
Me: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
Me: she did what
I just found out Nicki Minaj isn’t animated!
Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up
GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad
Me: I know
GF: What’d you get?
Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*
This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.
Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.
Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.
Cheese seller: Is there a problem with your Limburger?
Cannibal: Buddy, there are zero limbs in this thing
Oh, you don’t have a Valentine for Valentine’s Day? I didn’t have a groundhog for Groundhog Day.
Did you even think about that??
I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..
I’ve been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.
Hospice was my favorite spice girl,
into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma
I’ll only go to your NYE party if I can bring a -1.
Like, I show up, pick a person, and then they have to go home.
Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.
My wife’s upset at me I’m going to cheer her up and ask 9YO to play hot cross buns on the recorder
I *just* got the angel food cake in the oven. It took forever to peel all those angels.
Why be content with those 3 little words when you can have 6.
“Your parcel is out for delivery.”
Have kids so they can tell you at 5am that they must dress as a historical figure today, like your wardrobe is full of apparel from the 1800’s.
Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.
Sorry, I can’t be the bigger person. I’m the size of the average 4th grader.
Waiter, “Welcome to red lobster, I’m your seafood expert.”
me- “did you know octopuses have a beak?”
W-“no”
Me- “who’s the expert now?”
Boss set out a bowl of hard candy in the break room, so I guess we had our Christmas party today.
Architects should try and design a house with no yelling
Seriously.
Who gets “regular strength” ANYTHING?!
“Yeah, go ahead & gimme your middle-of-the-road shit. I’d like this headache to LINGER.”
I had 3 crackers, a ketchup packet, and a yogurt that said “Liz’s. Don’t Touch!” for lunch in case anyone wondered if tomorrow is payday.
I am just a man.
Standing in front of a cat.
Begging them to stop biting electrical wires.
uh oh we better all stand up for the old man in the dress who bangs a tiny hammer down or he might decide that we have to live in a cage
*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?
so i told my boyfriend i was having my period and he said “Again?”
you know what, you’re right im going to cancel that monthly subscription
“Will I live, doctor?”
“Did you post your diagnosis on Facebook?”
“Yes.”
“How many likes?”
“Six.”
“Sent prayers?”
“Four.”
“You’re a goner.”