People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are
Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am
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Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?
Me: <makes bigg sale>
Dad: I took the tooth and put the money under his pillow
Mom: Do you think he’s getting too old for this?
Dad *getting in car* it is harder since he moved out
gm
Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried
Oh, you fell in love?!
I fell in my bathtub.
i wanna see the masterchef jr deleted scenes that HAVE to exist of gordon ramsay calling a kid the c-word for trying to julienne a snickers
If you love something, set it free.
(Does not apply to ferrets.)*
*I am no longer allowed on the subway.
receptionists will look u straight in the eye and ask if ur available in 5 months and 18 days
Me: You can say coffee mug or coffee cup and both are acceptable but if you say tea mug people get all weird
English friend: If you say tea mug again I won’t be responsible for my actions
women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed
Friend: Did you know most people mistake thirst for hunger?
Me: Really? Weird. Hey, are you going to eat that water bottle?
I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.
My wife when I’ve lost something: It’s on the right hand side of your nightstand next to your Kleenex
Me when my wife has lost something: I ‘unno…did you look in the freezer?
friend: I was named after my father
me: *aware of how time flows* correct
If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient
Hide her markers
And wait…
[aliens observing earth]
“Horse racing is the shit we gotta start doing that”
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: I brought a girl home last night
911: That’s not an-
Me: NOW SHE WON’T LEAVE!
*swat team busts down my door*
I feel like every time a GOP candidate drops out, Oompa Loompas should appear & sing a song to teach us about the perils of gluttony & greed
Sneaking into my neighbour’s home just to raid the kitchen and then accidently setting the house on fire is how I will end up in prison.
Southwest flight attendant told us to fasten our seatbelts because “the captain just saw Top Gun and wants to try something new”
Me: I want a serious long term relationship
Literally anyone: Hey I’m interested in you!
Me: *shivers* better hide in bed for 6 months.
For anyone who needs this today
My friend is really mad that the same team keeps winning her local pub quiz so she’s recruiting literally everyone can think of to join hers because they don’t have team size limits, and I can’t wait for her to become the reason they implement team size limits.
jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home
I’m no expert guys but with the amount I trip and fall off things… trust me i’d know if the Earth was flat
I didn’t know comedy could be a career until I was 24 and I didn’t know comedy couldn’t be a career until I was 36.
Swim up bars combine my two favorite things. Drinking and peeing in hotel pools.
You need to let shit go.
~ Buddha
Husband: Give me one example.
Me: ALL the times.
Husband: Those don’t count.
Bees: why are all the humans disappearing