I’m sporting Cameron Diaz’ *Something About Mary” hairdo, but tragically, the magic ingredient is Cadbury Crème egg filling.
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No thank you, shower sex. I’ll just step out of the shower and injure myself the old fashioned way.
My daughters moved out on their own and they call me periodically to ask for advice and answers. I kind of thought watching me raise them would have proven that I’m winging it, but for some reason, they think that I know things?
Petulant: (defn.) a cat or dog you let a friend borrow
i bet there’s a couple seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible
I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.
Just got your text from Saturday. Are you still being kidnapped?
You know what sucks about Karaoke?
Coworkers don’t appreciate the time & effort that I put into my make up or outfit before singing Madonna
Yoda: In the Light Side, the real power is.
Luke: The Emperor controls the galaxy. You live in a swamp.
I tell people my parents are divorced, but technically we lost my mom in a corn maze
If you can’t hide the evidence, pretend to be part of an accident
when someone replies to a locked account it’s like watching Han talk to Chewie
The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn’t the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they’re hatching a dastardly plan.
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents
The first step to forgiveness is acknowledging that the other person is a complete twat.
I don’t want to be a boss babe. I want to be the old groundskeeper who warns guests there’s something terribly wrong with the estate then leaves in a hurry before sundown.
If I see a dog in a hot car, I’m always troubled.
Why don’t I have a hot car like that?
How much does that dog make per year?
Me: Any Costco requests?
Husband, who is out of deodorant, toothpaste, and work snacks: Nope, I’m good.
it’s been 12 years since Shrek came out, I still can’t get over the fact that Donkey had sex with a dragon..
[physical exam]
PROCTOLOGIST: can you tell me how many fingers i’m holding up?
No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.
My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
What’s the purpose of hanging plants on your porch? Is it a warning to the other plants in the neighborhood that you’re not a house to be trifled with?
Them: You need to get a sense of humor.
Me: You need to say something funny.
I told her she’s prettier than soup without her knowing how many quality soups I’ve encountered.
My cat did not flinch once when the fireworks were going off for hours, but he did yell at me for moving my leg 1 millimeter to the left.
“Quark, quark,” said the quantum duck.
Lawyer: As My Lord knows,…
Judge: Don’t presume I know it, counsel.
Lawyer: Beg pardon. *clears throat* As My Lord ought to know…
Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars
Velcrow
Stranger: ma’am do you need medical assistance?
Me: IT’S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I WORE HEELS OK?