Being cute just died. Men are going to want a woman that can catch a chicken now.
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A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.
guy in the stall next to me at this bar is ordering a pizza on the phone & I now realize my commitment to pizza is severely lacking
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: Yes. 9 millimetre.
ME: *writing ‘probably a T-Rex’ in my notebook* Thank you.
When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.
When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent
Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.
this will hang in the louvre one day
the doggo pooped out a little plastic hand so now there’s some poor Barbie running around like Luke Skywalker.
For International Women’s Day, I’d like to recognize my sister wife. Without her I’d have to manage my kids’ timeouts and nag my husband all by myself. Thank you, Alexa.
My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.
I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”
doctor: i’m afraid you’re dying of asbestos poisoning.
me: 🙁
doctor: but we’ll treat you asbestos we can.
me: 😂
The newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Jurtle: Thiccelangelo.
walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid
Sometimes I accidentally make eye contact with someone and it’s like “well I better just go with it” and I begin sprinting at them
[consoling a friend after a failure] It’s okay, you can’t get it right every time. I mean, maybe some people can, but definitely not you.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
Breaking news:
I may seem confident on the outside but deep down on the inside I remember every time I’ve accidentally leaned on a light switch.
[At my seance]
Friend 1: *pulling away from ouija
Shit…That’s definitely himFriend 2: How can you tell?
F1: He spelled “your” wrong.
Women are too difficult, I’m gonna marry a poptart
“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”
*Opens twitter*
*Sees Polio is trending*
*Closes twitter*
My buddy used to say “why should I wash my towels? After I shower, I’m the cleanest thing in the room.” He’s still single.
Wow, your teeth are white.
Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?
i don’t think it’ll all fit in there
Alarm clocks would be much more effective if instead of a snooze button they just released bees.
If someone tried to make me dig my own grave I would say no. They’re going to kill me anyway and I’d love to die the way I lived: avoiding manual labor.
Murder of crows on trial according to the probable caws statement.
Getting picked last for kickball every time didn’t affect me at all. In fact, I barely remember it now, 51 years and seven months later.