bring me a higher love. you have 24 hours. no cops.
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There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.
Not to be a Scrooge, but if you play or even hum along with Christmas music before December 10, you should be sent to a concentration camp.
Husband: Are we going to start eating healthier?
Me: Absolutely!
Husband: So burgers and fries for dinner tonight?
Me: Absolutely!
I used to work out because I wanted a hot body. Now I work out so I don’t have to hide bodies.
Dad law states that you can use your kids’ piggy bank money to pay the ice cream truck. Especially when your wife and kids aren’t home.
Husband of the year 😂
“Are you sure you want to close 58 tabs?” no I’m not sure what if I need this tracking information for a package that was delivered last week
Friend: “Dude, me & my girlfriend are getting married.”
ME: “Wow! when?”
Friend: “Me on 27th April and she on 14th June.”
So many songs that tell you to throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care, so few about the hazards of ceiling fans.
My problem isn’t that I lose all my chapsticks. It’s just that I don’t remember which one I used the last time I had the flu.
when someone corrects my pronunciation of a word, my brain immediately snaps to how many polite people just nodded and let me sound dumb before
[breaking up with a guy]
Me: It’s not you, it’s me. I’m much, much smarter and cooler than you are.
Tampon boxes should come with a “It’s not safe to walk around naked with a tampon string hanging out if you own a cat.” warning.
“Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest”: me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine’s Day
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, please also wear my FitBit.
[Giving my eulogy]
GIRLFRIEND: He was beloved for his many funny tweets, such as,
*Scrolling**Scrolling*
*Scrolling*
*Very slight chuckle*
*Scrolling*
Okay I actually don’t see any I like but he talked about it a lot, so I assume he was good.
[starship battle]
CAPTAIN: We’re outgunned! Our only hope is to hide in that nebulaENSIGN WHOSE JOB IS CLEANING NEBULA GUNK OFF THE HULL: what if instead we made peace with our inevitable deaths?
Just go ahead and put “She always had to pee” on my tombstone, because that’s how everyone’s going to remember me.
I paid $5.99 for The Interview. I now want North Korea to kill me.
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest accomplishment?”
Me: “I was in a lot of people’s MySpace Top 8s back in 2004.”
who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?
Pro-Tip: Always remember where you buried the bodies.
Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.
No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom
“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.
Edward Scissorhands was so sad because he wanted to be class president but no one would run with him.
There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug
My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.
Should I tell him now or let him learn?
Cauliflower’s mom: you can be anything you want baby
Broccoli’s mom: [arranging marriage with cheese] this is all you get, sweetheart