Dad: No wonder your Twitter account wasn’t hacked
Me: You weren’t worried?
Dad: Not at all, you’re not nearly interesting enough for the hackers
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Lose wallet.
Panic.
Ask everyone if they’ve seen it.
Tear your car and house apart.
Drive all over the city retracing your steps.
Give up.
Cancel credit and debit cards.
Find your wallet under a piece of paper on the nightstand.
Blame the dog
If all of the pizza cutters are dirty then 1 whole pizza counts as 1 serving
Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit
my premium snap prices:
-pics of me crying: $5
-videos of me crying: $10
-videos of me crying in the mirror while throwing the peace sign: $15
Everybody talks about sweet dreams but I’m over here hoping yours are savory.
How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?
A tractor.
. : can i have that?
me: have what?
: : thanks
me. wait
⠸ : yoink
me stop that
“Curiosity killed the cat”, only it’s me looking up my symptoms on the internet.
I’m not saying it’s hard for me to lose weight, I’m just saying if you interrupt me when I’m eating I’m starting over.
Me: welcome to my painting podcast
[wet slapping noises for 75 minutes]
Me: it’s a mountain
I was out with my bf and a waiter called me a ‘cradle robber’ cuz he’s 18 and I’m 43.
Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.
– i got you these to show you how i feel about you.
– but i’m allergic to flowers.
– i know…
Seasons are confusing in Los Angeles. Time to pull out my winter sundress.
Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.
[taking a knee]
Surgeon: Stop that woman!
Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.
Please do it!
They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.
ME: *walks by to put anything away*
WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there
The perfect tattoo doesn’t exi…
Just found out I am the last person on earth who does not own an air fryer. And if you think YOU don’t have an air fryer you do, go look in the kitchen. It’s there right? Yeah, told you.
me: the most realistic movie i could ever watch would be one where the main character in a big city has to park their car about seven or eight blocks away from the building they’re going to
my priest, about to give me communion: is there another religion you can join?
I’m starting to think the guy that gave me directions to the train station was just talking to someone on his Bluetooth.
[looking disappointed at the playboy mansion]
i was told there’d be bunnies
Her: So when you said you were going to make me happy using just your mouth…
Me: *putting down microphone* BEATBOXING IS A GIFT SARAH
You god damn morons. All these celebrity nudes were leaked by the Illuminati to distract us from important shit like karate and hoverboards.
It’s been a weird day so I’m shaving my eyebrows off.
Orcas seemed to have stopped attacking people and somehow that’s scarier. What are they planning?
When I see guys with skinny jeans and skin tight T’s on I pretend they are actual giants who woke up tiny and just had nothing else to wear.
Just finished a show and in need of new entertainment so imma ask the hubs what one thing does he wish he could change about me